In my attempt to express or talk about what I feel or think pertains to the loss of Rob I feel my thoughts get scrambled and are not portrayed as easily when I try to speak them as when I write them. I feel I'm able to own them more maybe.
In my thoughts today as the weather is getting nicer I think of last year and how excited Rob and I were to start doing tings in the yard. It's a constant recollection of the year before and what we where doing and then what we would be doing now. All the things he's missing, the plans we had made for the future, the things we will never do. Some I never want to do cause they won't be with him. I often find myself teary eyed and weepy no matter where I am. Those minutes, hours, even days can be the worst of them all.
Not once did I ever think that we wouldn't be together, breaks happen to the best relationships I read once. That evening driving into the drive way before I picked him up for the bank I remember thinking "God this is the one you meant for me". We're gonna be together, we just HAVE to get healthy.
That night he proved me wrong.
We had it instantly, bounded, inseparable, compassionate, and co-dependent but fought for our independence. A whirlwind of happiness set off emotions that both of us had searched for since both us had ended our previous relationships with our ex's leaving us wounded. Both had similar stories and it made it very easy for us to understand the other's hurt, abandonment and losses we had endured through life.
We both were at different stages in our lives though and through the course of relationship things changed and the roles we played changed very often then not. Which made it difficult to maintain stability. One thing that never faltered was that we had love to give and very big hearts. I felt we weren't gonna give up on each other.
Rob was stubborn though and when he usually had something in his mind it was hard to get him to see things differently. When he got mad he was not one that was easily to forgive someone. I'm the opposite of that, and once I went through the Retreat program for Recovery it made a substantial impact on me and change became a huge part of life for me and those involved around me. It wasn't by means of always for the good or how it should of been done. I made mistakes in my Recovery in the beginning, I always will. What I do is learn and don't repeat them. The changes in me were not accepted easily & were sometimes hard for Rob I felt and at times we had discussed it. He had said at one time he was not use to the Happy me as he out it. I felt weren't in the same place anymore in our lives.
Since Rob is no longer here I tend to look more at myself and my actions and not concentrate on his. It by no means that he didn't contribute to the events that took place and how my reactions where rather right or wrong. It's my responsibility to make amends and recognize my part not his.
3-2011
Saturday, June 2, 2012
Check IN
Check In's are Necessary!!
1) In my recovery many doors have opened and some I have been sealed shut. I haven't always seen them right away or excepted and even wanted to walk thru the doors at times. I'd like to think I'm becoming more god conscious but it's something that I still struggle with.
2) I miss Rob so much and as the longer time passes it seems I miss him more. I feel the earning to for all those things I shared and had with him has deepened not subsided as time is moving on.
3) Everyone deals differently with everything I believe, I don't know what other's think but I do know what I feel and to me that's what I have to focus on on and it's myself that's life I have to live. If I concentrate on other's and their thoughts or their opinions then I lose focus of my life where there I could risk a down whirl spiral.
4) "Acceptance Is the Answer" that is my favorite story in the big book.
5) When I was in the Retreat for Recovery I use to always say "THY will not be done not mine". It was my favorite saying to say through out my stay there. It has a very powerful meaning to me.
6) Finding a place where I felt comfortable found me too. Doing volunteer work at Mn Recovery Connection has offered so many things, way more then I ever expected. In that I'm learning to trust, on my terms & put myself out there as I feel comfortable and setting boundaries. It has also helped me get outside of my comfort zone.
7) Anger & Resentments & Reflection have been a huge part of this past year. I still have to continuously work the steps, but I work them in ways that are now productive and get positive healthy results.
8) Advocacy has always been a huge part of my life, I have a strong passion for getting out the message and awareness for mental health and now long term recovery. I believe that change doesn't happen on it's own or in a short period of time. It takes a constant persistence voice and movement. It's my ambition and willingness to get the importance across to those who are unaware or under educated and how they can benefit or help others in need.
9) NAMI & NAMI MN WALKS is an organization that I am fully involved and enjoy also giving a lot of my time too. This year will be my third year walking and my first year on the committee. I am also a certified Nami connections trained facilitator. It's is such a blessing to have an opportunity to be apart of such a great organization that is making such a huge impact Nation wide in mental heath.
These are just a few things in my life that are apart of my Recovery and where I find passion in my own life and in the lives of others, I see how my story being told and continues has been helpful to me and to other.
Having Bipolar and being in Recovery from addiction I do not let hinder me, they are personal growths and experiences that have guided me in a direction that is now working for me. Where I was once lost I am now finding peacefulness with in myself. I am able to overcome obstacles that I would have never been able to even comprehend before, I have found empathy, compassion, an desire and willingness to give to myself and others. I do not control what I can not, I admit when I am wrong and I look for guidance from those that are positive in my life instead of harmful.
Everyday is a full of possibilities, I have challenges that I have to face some days due to my having Bipolar that are so much more difficult and not knowing when those days or weeks will be or for how long isn't something I dwell on anymore. Instead I make the days that I have he most of and learn how I can improve and better the ones for me and the ones around me when those difficult times come.
The way I view it is that I can either let this control me or I can give it no control and use the resources that are available to me thankfully and facilitate them to the fullest and knowing that I trust that my well being and dedication is well worth every minute.
Some of my greatest thoughts, writing, speeches or projects have came from my bipolar mind. As I said I don't see it just as am illness unless I am not taking my medication or doing the things I need to be to make my life style healthy.
By no means is this the life I would thought to want to have had but it's the life I do have and I can only accept it and once I have accepted it so many wonderful things have come in to play and I have been able to share that with so many more.
3-2011
1) In my recovery many doors have opened and some I have been sealed shut. I haven't always seen them right away or excepted and even wanted to walk thru the doors at times. I'd like to think I'm becoming more god conscious but it's something that I still struggle with.
2) I miss Rob so much and as the longer time passes it seems I miss him more. I feel the earning to for all those things I shared and had with him has deepened not subsided as time is moving on.
3) Everyone deals differently with everything I believe, I don't know what other's think but I do know what I feel and to me that's what I have to focus on on and it's myself that's life I have to live. If I concentrate on other's and their thoughts or their opinions then I lose focus of my life where there I could risk a down whirl spiral.
4) "Acceptance Is the Answer" that is my favorite story in the big book.
5) When I was in the Retreat for Recovery I use to always say "THY will not be done not mine". It was my favorite saying to say through out my stay there. It has a very powerful meaning to me.
6) Finding a place where I felt comfortable found me too. Doing volunteer work at Mn Recovery Connection has offered so many things, way more then I ever expected. In that I'm learning to trust, on my terms & put myself out there as I feel comfortable and setting boundaries. It has also helped me get outside of my comfort zone.
7) Anger & Resentments & Reflection have been a huge part of this past year. I still have to continuously work the steps, but I work them in ways that are now productive and get positive healthy results.
8) Advocacy has always been a huge part of my life, I have a strong passion for getting out the message and awareness for mental health and now long term recovery. I believe that change doesn't happen on it's own or in a short period of time. It takes a constant persistence voice and movement. It's my ambition and willingness to get the importance across to those who are unaware or under educated and how they can benefit or help others in need.
9) NAMI & NAMI MN WALKS is an organization that I am fully involved and enjoy also giving a lot of my time too. This year will be my third year walking and my first year on the committee. I am also a certified Nami connections trained facilitator. It's is such a blessing to have an opportunity to be apart of such a great organization that is making such a huge impact Nation wide in mental heath.
These are just a few things in my life that are apart of my Recovery and where I find passion in my own life and in the lives of others, I see how my story being told and continues has been helpful to me and to other.
Having Bipolar and being in Recovery from addiction I do not let hinder me, they are personal growths and experiences that have guided me in a direction that is now working for me. Where I was once lost I am now finding peacefulness with in myself. I am able to overcome obstacles that I would have never been able to even comprehend before, I have found empathy, compassion, an desire and willingness to give to myself and others. I do not control what I can not, I admit when I am wrong and I look for guidance from those that are positive in my life instead of harmful.
Everyday is a full of possibilities, I have challenges that I have to face some days due to my having Bipolar that are so much more difficult and not knowing when those days or weeks will be or for how long isn't something I dwell on anymore. Instead I make the days that I have he most of and learn how I can improve and better the ones for me and the ones around me when those difficult times come.
The way I view it is that I can either let this control me or I can give it no control and use the resources that are available to me thankfully and facilitate them to the fullest and knowing that I trust that my well being and dedication is well worth every minute.
Some of my greatest thoughts, writing, speeches or projects have came from my bipolar mind. As I said I don't see it just as am illness unless I am not taking my medication or doing the things I need to be to make my life style healthy.
By no means is this the life I would thought to want to have had but it's the life I do have and I can only accept it and once I have accepted it so many wonderful things have come in to play and I have been able to share that with so many more.
3-2011
Thursday, May 24, 2012
Let the light in
Today I am making changes, small changes. I am unhappy. With myself. I have started to lose myself slowly the last few months in the stream of life I got sucked in to my guilt and anger along with bouts of fear.
I am done, seriously can we change? yes. Can we choose when to change? yes. I have been beating myself up daily for months now and it has only been a mirror or misery. It's not just about attitude it's a life style change.
Mentally I feel better when I physically feel good. When things are organized and structured I feel a sense of security and have fulfillment. When things are absent from my life then I am up and down.
So I start by taking care of myself. Putting my needs first and then taking care of others. I have so much time in the day that I can structure my day around me and my family, I didn't want to see this or I forgot this.
Life is passing me by and I am lost in the past, I am going to be present and here today... I am letting the light in my darkest hours have past.
I am done, seriously can we change? yes. Can we choose when to change? yes. I have been beating myself up daily for months now and it has only been a mirror or misery. It's not just about attitude it's a life style change.
Mentally I feel better when I physically feel good. When things are organized and structured I feel a sense of security and have fulfillment. When things are absent from my life then I am up and down.
So I start by taking care of myself. Putting my needs first and then taking care of others. I have so much time in the day that I can structure my day around me and my family, I didn't want to see this or I forgot this.
Life is passing me by and I am lost in the past, I am going to be present and here today... I am letting the light in my darkest hours have past.
Monday, January 2, 2012
Flying solo
Sadness seems the best word to describe my state today. I have a difficult time letting go, not just of life's hurts but with ppl, things that have sentimental value or memories that I so desperately don't want to misplace in the confusion that is my mind. Happiness never seems to last for long. As much as I want to be done grieving Robert's loss, I definitely need to accept I haven't and let myself ..... maybe it's my way of holding on....
My Dr told me I am afraid of letting myself be happy. Is it fear or unjustified quilt that holds me back from truly allowing myself a life that is turmoil free? When examining patterns I see a combination of both and I have a tendency to repeatedly be my own worst enemy.
I hear everyone say how far I have come, yet the echo's of the words and feelings that I know I have hurt the ones I love the most force themselves ahead. When change is introduced I feel dread and concentrate on what could go wrong, a fear of abandonment is always waiting in the balance of fight or flight.
When moments come and go, was it so hard to move forward from the past, I can only think it is.
Friday, October 21, 2011
With holding tears, anger running the pain.
I'm pushing each day, stuggling to move forward, making moments count as they come and damning the ones that doubt my mind. I realized I really am angry and just pushing it with all these other feelings away. Making it more furious and me miss out on the things I love most in this life. No matter nothing is working it seems for long enough this time around.
I sat in my truck and screamed till I couldn't stand it anymore, the tears came strong and I yelled at Rob for leaving and for me for feeling this way. What's going on with me right now I can't figure out. I felt so secure in letting go till they buried him maybe triggered all of this?? then I realized he's really gone.
I miss him.
I sat in my truck and screamed till I couldn't stand it anymore, the tears came strong and I yelled at Rob for leaving and for me for feeling this way. What's going on with me right now I can't figure out. I felt so secure in letting go till they buried him maybe triggered all of this?? then I realized he's really gone.
I miss him.
Saturday, October 15, 2011
Shaping Reality from Fiction
Am I letting go to fast or forced to take a step back from all of this I turn and see your face,
then I see his...
I am torn in two pieces, from time to time I try not to let the tears shed anymore then I slip any away
and cry out for you in pain.
Why am I even standing here waiting for you when you choose to hang around back there in a past life you left me in the place where we lived when you took your life that night.
Saving my self hasn't been easy, it's taken time to pick up the emptiness you left in my heart.
I need but I can't but I do so, I must trust you'd let me go cause you choose to go first into the light that night and you promised me and it hurts so MUCH!
then I see his...
I am torn in two pieces, from time to time I try not to let the tears shed anymore then I slip any away
and cry out for you in pain.
Why am I even standing here waiting for you when you choose to hang around back there in a past life you left me in the place where we lived when you took your life that night.
Saving my self hasn't been easy, it's taken time to pick up the emptiness you left in my heart.
I need but I can't but I do so, I must trust you'd let me go cause you choose to go first into the light that night and you promised me and it hurts so MUCH!
Tuesday, October 4, 2011
Depth Inside perception is deceiving
When I look back I know I'm humble and more emphatic due to the nature of the events that have played out in my life. I feel that thru tragedy and recovery I have developed a different perception on how I view things in a more compassionate and considerate way.
Deming words hurt, they sting the very inner soul of my being and they can rip apart a my self worth in an instant. Specially when coming from the ones I'm close too, which is very few. I am not easily phased my others but those whom I am dependent, with myself having a mental disorder, I trust these people close to me to be honest.
My instinct is to retreat and disappear, diminish so I can no longer be hurt. I want to shut down yet fight back and defend myself, but the pain is so strong I signal for a defeat and shy away. Sometimes for a day or two and pray for a life time.
It's all in the moment, now I struggle with where I fit in and my place. Do I really even have one at all?
My validate effort to accomplish is stomped on and I am degraded for the person I am. Confused inside my mind is whirling with in and racing thoughts don't stop long enough for me to grasp if I care or not...
Deming words hurt, they sting the very inner soul of my being and they can rip apart a my self worth in an instant. Specially when coming from the ones I'm close too, which is very few. I am not easily phased my others but those whom I am dependent, with myself having a mental disorder, I trust these people close to me to be honest.
My instinct is to retreat and disappear, diminish so I can no longer be hurt. I want to shut down yet fight back and defend myself, but the pain is so strong I signal for a defeat and shy away. Sometimes for a day or two and pray for a life time.
It's all in the moment, now I struggle with where I fit in and my place. Do I really even have one at all?
My validate effort to accomplish is stomped on and I am degraded for the person I am. Confused inside my mind is whirling with in and racing thoughts don't stop long enough for me to grasp if I care or not...
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
Using Dreams
In a dream I take a drink I have no control
Guilt sets in then fear I wake in anger for is all so clear.
I REALLY dis like using dreams, I feel extremely beat down and defeated when I wake up. As if I actually relapsed. It's the reassurance of that consciousness awareness and my direct relationship that I am constantly working on with GOD that I need to be in my life and as a essential part of my recovery.
My recovery, relationship with my HP and the journey I choose all play key parts in my happiness.
Guilt sets in then fear I wake in anger for is all so clear.
I REALLY dis like using dreams, I feel extremely beat down and defeated when I wake up. As if I actually relapsed. It's the reassurance of that consciousness awareness and my direct relationship that I am constantly working on with GOD that I need to be in my life and as a essential part of my recovery.
My recovery, relationship with my HP and the journey I choose all play key parts in my happiness.
Saturday, August 6, 2011
I pray the lord my soul to keep
I use to get on my hands and knees as a young child and pray every night and say my prayers. Now I pray through out the day when I do pray when working my program several times to my HP.
Today they are putting Robert to Rest in his home town of Houghton MI. I have been replaying, hashing out and asking a lot of questions in my mind all over again since receiving the FB message from his step mom LMK when his burial was. I knew it was in Aug I just wasn't sure of the date until a little over a week and a half ago.
I have cried more in the last cpl weeks and have really understood and seen more of the effects of the impact and also felt them I feel them most recently out side my emotional and mental state.
Having a lot of anxiety isn't helping the situation much and I am trying to keep busy but my mind is a cconstantly flooded with thoughts and I am very preoccupied with them right now. Catching my self in them I try to direct my attention else where and focus on other things but I feel that is maybe agitating what I need to work through.
On the other spectrum you have the emotional strong arm of me having enough of the grief and tears and seeking happier times are very much desired by me. i am thinking even to the point where I am pre thinking out how something should go and if it doesn't go as planned I am disappointed . Something I need to work on and be aware of.
I pray my HP give me strength, guidance and assurance of his presence. I am vulnerable in so many was and bull headed in others.
Now I lay me.................
Today they are putting Robert to Rest in his home town of Houghton MI. I have been replaying, hashing out and asking a lot of questions in my mind all over again since receiving the FB message from his step mom LMK when his burial was. I knew it was in Aug I just wasn't sure of the date until a little over a week and a half ago.
I have cried more in the last cpl weeks and have really understood and seen more of the effects of the impact and also felt them I feel them most recently out side my emotional and mental state.
Having a lot of anxiety isn't helping the situation much and I am trying to keep busy but my mind is a cconstantly flooded with thoughts and I am very preoccupied with them right now. Catching my self in them I try to direct my attention else where and focus on other things but I feel that is maybe agitating what I need to work through.
On the other spectrum you have the emotional strong arm of me having enough of the grief and tears and seeking happier times are very much desired by me. i am thinking even to the point where I am pre thinking out how something should go and if it doesn't go as planned I am disappointed . Something I need to work on and be aware of.
I pray my HP give me strength, guidance and assurance of his presence. I am vulnerable in so many was and bull headed in others.
Now I lay me.................
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