Answers will come

When I first tried to understand why and question it I was at a loss one moment and then the next a million different ideas and thoughts were solving themselves in my mind and I just couldn't understand at all. Dumbfounded. I think I stopped asking why now.
I still am at the acceptance of that Rob's suicide happened at all and not so much as why. I don't have his answer's for him, only he does, but I feel that I have had some of my "why's" answered. This through so many gracious ways that I feel were put into place as God intended them to because He believed He knew those things would give me what I needed to provide me the courage to accept the things I can not change, Rob's death by suicide being one of them.
Going back into the past can not be dwelled upon. If we stay there then we are living in the past. It's OK to revisit the past for remembrance, to reflect on personal growth and for mindfulness for the present. If something in my life hinders my recovery and growth in self,  I can choose to remove it or myself. It's my personal choice and I have to be responsible for my actions and decisions I make in the here and now.
I have serached for many answers on various things in my life, that I feel now come so much more easily then they ever have before. I do sometimes fight the answers I get and try to alter them my way but that has proven to get me no where. Once I started opening up to new ways, ideas, thoughts as I still am working very hard at today as this is all very new to me. I see that things are calmer, I'm able to gather my thoughts  and all these things happen for longer periods of time.
I have to tell myself constantly and be very mindful of what I'm working on and that's me. The only person I can change is me, by making changes in me I can aid in the outcome on things that I'm working on . If I'm happy with what I'm doing and focusing on what I need to be then I feel I'm balancing out all parts of my life, even when my life feels unmanageable it is being managed.
Nothings comes right away or all at once. I believe again there is a reason for this. I wouldn't of been able to recover and learn the lessons and things put forth in front of me and put one foot in front of each other to take each step with to many different answers thrown at me either. It's all an awaking inside of me that is transforming and I'm ready to be apart of what we both have to offer.