Mindfulness Mania

Incorporating new ideas into my already crammed thoughts seemed just ludicrous at first and I think it has taken me reading, listening, learning and also experiencing change over and over to clearly see and accept what this meant.

In order to begin change I need to be mindful of all things, my perception and thoughts affect my reality. I am having to redirect my attention several times a day back to being mindful. When I am mindful I manage  myself.

Now having Bipolar I and doing this to me is very rewarding and discouraging at the same time. I see the differences between the two in that I had a choice to drink but I didn't chose Bipolar I. I now am at an acceptance that I was given Bipolar and it's my will to manage those choices god gives me. I'm learning to take deeper breaths, pray, ask for guidance and feel that peace.

Sitting still, relaxing and letting this feeling I get come over me is one of the hardest struggles. I'm usually all over the place and when I go force myself because I'm not accomplishing anything or being reasonable in my thoughts, I feel so guilty from stopping, I feel like I should be going and going but nothing ever gets accomplished. I know why, and again I need to be mindful of this and refocus myself.

I may have to remake a make different choices and change my mind, the more I practice mindfulness I believe god will provide, and I will only grown and learn from his guidance. I trust in his plan for me, and yes I defy and let fear guide me, it's getting back on course no matter what, accepting the lesson.

Answers will come

When I first tried to understand why and question it I was at a loss one moment and then the next a million different ideas and thoughts were solving themselves in my mind and I just couldn't understand at all. Dumbfounded. I think I stopped asking why now.
I still am at the acceptance of that Rob's suicide happened at all and not so much as why. I don't have his answer's for him, only he does, but I feel that I have had some of my "why's" answered. This through so many gracious ways that I feel were put into place as God intended them to because He believed He knew those things would give me what I needed to provide me the courage to accept the things I can not change, Rob's death by suicide being one of them.
Going back into the past can not be dwelled upon. If we stay there then we are living in the past. It's OK to revisit the past for remembrance, to reflect on personal growth and for mindfulness for the present. If something in my life hinders my recovery and growth in self,  I can choose to remove it or myself. It's my personal choice and I have to be responsible for my actions and decisions I make in the here and now.
I have serached for many answers on various things in my life, that I feel now come so much more easily then they ever have before. I do sometimes fight the answers I get and try to alter them my way but that has proven to get me no where. Once I started opening up to new ways, ideas, thoughts as I still am working very hard at today as this is all very new to me. I see that things are calmer, I'm able to gather my thoughts  and all these things happen for longer periods of time.
I have to tell myself constantly and be very mindful of what I'm working on and that's me. The only person I can change is me, by making changes in me I can aid in the outcome on things that I'm working on . If I'm happy with what I'm doing and focusing on what I need to be then I feel I'm balancing out all parts of my life, even when my life feels unmanageable it is being managed.
Nothings comes right away or all at once. I believe again there is a reason for this. I wouldn't of been able to recover and learn the lessons and things put forth in front of me and put one foot in front of each other to take each step with to many different answers thrown at me either. It's all an awaking inside of me that is transforming and I'm ready to be apart of what we both have to offer.

Accept the Mystery Unknown

In the Summer of 2010 I had made attempts to go out to the Retreat where I had competed the Recovery Program  for AA and Speaker meetings. When I would go I met up with a girlfriend of mine there, had dinner at the Retreat and then we would visit before the meetings. There was one particular time we were visiting in the study or men's library. It was in this study where I had done my 3rd step:  Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood God, and I had the term  "free will" brought before and where the understanding became clear to me. It's where I learned what it ment to really "let go" of my anger and break down the spiritual blocks that were built around me.

It was this time we were talking about the unknown, and if it was ok just not to know about something, I believe more in regards to me wondering if it was just ok if I didn't know exactly what I wanted to do or how I was going to with multiply things in my life. If I just didn't know??  How to accept and if it was ok to accept that? I remember thinking at that time "I was actually going to be able to ok and accept or at least work on accepting the unknown". Yet then so when faced with that same question a couple months later and in regards to Rob's loss that was not how I felt in the aftermath.

Since Rob's loss I have found time and time again my return of questioning the unknown and it has become more like a constant growing fear. I seem to be battling with it on a daily basis with several aspects in my life and questioning my thoughts, feelings and reactions.  Even though I can have all things pointing "yes"  "right" or "go".  (Fear can be powerful if you let it take over. )

Then when I opened my daily reading today I was in awe at how clearly the message was just meant to be placed out for me today.

    There is a place in me that knows it will never know.  At times I will get depressed about that and    feel there's no real point to life. Perhaps meaning is not knowing and understanding but acceptance of the mystery, an embracing the unknown. I accept that I will never fully understand - I embrace the mystery.

It comes back to that one word I see over and over again Accept. Acceptance Is The Answer page 417, is my favorite reading in the big book. I have to accept, and it seems a lot!! Once I accept, then from there things will come into play, the next move is made, or closure can be found., a result will be formed!

 The  soul is restless & furious; it wants to tear itself apart and sure itself of being human~ Ugo Betti