Before the worst

In my attempt to express or talk about what I feel or think pertains to the loss of Rob I feel my thoughts get scrambled and are not portrayed as easily when I try to speak them as when I write them. I feel I'm able to own them more maybe.
In my thoughts today as the weather is getting nicer I think of last year and how excited Rob and I were to start doing tings in the yard. It's a constant recollection of the year before and what we where doing and then what we would be doing now. All the things he's missing, the plans we had made for the future, the things we will never do. Some I never want to do cause they won't be with him. I often find myself teary eyed and weepy no matter where I am. Those minutes, hours, even days can be the worst of them all.
Not once did I ever think that we wouldn't be together, breaks happen to the best relationships I read once. That evening driving into the drive way before I picked him up for the bank I remember thinking "God this is the one you meant for me". We're gonna be together, we just HAVE to get healthy.
That night he proved me wrong.
We had it instantly, bounded, inseparable, compassionate, and co-dependent but fought for our independence. A whirlwind of happiness set off emotions that both of us had searched for since both us had ended our previous relationships with our ex's leaving us wounded. Both had similar stories and it made it very easy for us to understand the other's hurt, abandonment and losses we had endured through life.
We both were at different stages in our lives though and through the course of relationship things changed and the roles we played changed very often then not. Which made it difficult to maintain stability. One thing that never faltered was that we had love to give and very big hearts. I felt we weren't gonna give up on each other.
Rob was stubborn though and when he usually had something in his mind it was hard to get him to see things differently. When he got mad he was not one that was easily to forgive someone. I'm the opposite of that, and once I went through the Retreat program for Recovery it made a substantial impact on me and change became a huge part of life for me and those involved around me. It wasn't by means of always for the good or how it should of been done. I made mistakes in my Recovery in the beginning, I always will. What I do is learn and don't repeat them. The changes in me were not accepted easily & were sometimes hard for Rob I felt and at times we had discussed it. He had said at one time he was not use to the Happy me as he out it. I felt weren't in the same place anymore in our lives.

Since Rob is no longer here I tend to look more at myself and my actions and not concentrate on his. It by no means that he didn't contribute to the events that took place and how my reactions where rather right or wrong. It's my responsibility to make amends and recognize my part not his.

3-2011