Today was Recovery Day on the Hill http://www.minnesotarecovery.org/ at the State Capitol and it was simply amazing. I had an opportunity to volunteer and also listen to some wonderful speakers for and about Recovery. In addition to that was the opportunity to meet all the wonderful people that were there who in recovery or supported recovery. Listening to some of them share their stories and their sobriety dates was enlightening. It made me feel so elated to be a part of such a powerful movement that we in recovery are trying to spread across the state. That Recovery does work and addiction not only effects those in the addiction but those who have any kind of relations of any sorts while they are in their addiction.
That's why they say Addiction is cunning, powerful and baffling! I left there feeling so inspired, empowered, encouraged and thankful. I am so grateful that I have Recovery in my life and that I have the opportunity to share the person that I was hiding in my addiction, became in the process so far and still am in recovery and also live life again. Enjoyment has never been something I have truly understood until now. I have felt my emotions instead of denied them.
I have so much more in life then I have ever had even though I have loss I have those in my life and my HP to fill that emptiness and void that before I would of temporarily drank to get drunk or denied to subside the reality that was going on. Now I am a part of life, not just some one passing by watching from the outside.
Even though at times in my grieving I have subcome to some of these things at times usually for a week at least once a month or a day here or there. Yet I never pick up a drink or retort to my addiction to temporarily mend anything anymore, To me that is one of my greatest accomplishments. I can now have those days and at the end of them I am still sober!!
RECOVERY WORKS.......
KEEP COMING BACK.....
Friday, April 1, 2011
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
Unsaid Said
In all the things I've been focusing on it never occurred to me till now to think about if he could and was here to see me and he knew the pain and since he can't come back cause death is final then would he be sad at his decision then? seeing what anguish this caused everyone? I mean is he alone and now sadder then ever? Oh that's such a sad sad thought. Or is he really free and at peace?
Then I reflect that thought through and it is gone. I recall the day on the 14 th of Feb 2011 when I looked in the sky. I felt him, I felt all of his love on me. I can see the light and the way everything around me was so surreal. Everything that occurred that played out that day is a motion of life's cycle beyond what we just see in our sights.
I don't even like the thought that I even wrote the first paragraph above, it gave me such a uneasy feeling, I felt instant abandonment and fear as the thought were typed across the screen as they were lifted from my mind. I don't want to linger on them to long. It's more for the fact that I want to be able to answer the the thought then to think on that thought! In the first place this is irritating because I had originally been thinking about how if he could what he would do? If he could rewind time would he?
Would he or did he think the thought all the way through?
I don't believe he did what so ever, what I know of Robert was he reacted then thought of the aftermath to the decisions or the consequences to or whomever came after the fact to his reactions of his actions..
In that I think a lot about Robert and being here with me alot. I believe if he could come back he would and all the things would be differenlty, with work and time.
When I first started to write this it was early after noon on March 27th 2011. My 11 month sobriety date, I had been sad through the night and had been unable to sleep. I spent much of the late night listening to music as I often have and use to when Rob and I were separated, or when I wanted to express how I felt or he did, not always towards each other necessary just in general. We could express and felt our emotions through the lyrics that played out by the notes of the music. As I was getting ready for the afternoon with a to go with a friend I had several emotions and thoughts going through me and I had stopped what I was doing and wrote sereval times. One which I started was this.
That early afternoon as I was typing this my friend told me later he had written me somethings he had been thinking and wanted to share with me. I reasoned if it's your opinion or how to fix anything I'm going through I don't want to hear it right now. He reassured me it wasn't. As the afternoon went on it played out to be a very good afternoon. Later that evening before I headed home we were just finishing up the evening talking he grabbed the paper he had written his thoughts earlier that morning before I had arrived for our day outings and this is where it begin:
I listen at first unsure of what I was going to hear, spoken in broken words to me through tears were the thoughts through his words I felt myself saying many times before in my mind that were left unsaid. The tears were hot as they streamed down my face and I wept for even though I'd not had the moment to say the things I had so desperately wanted him to hear. This friend of mine had taken it upon himself to write down and say to me the things he wanted to say that he thought I would but never got the chance too and what he felt or thought Rob would say or like to me, but can't.
They were in his own words and feelings about my life and pertained more towards me and where I am at right now. In a realization that in my grief and loss I have thoughts of taking my own life, the truth is in my belief "I can go to him (Rob) but he can never come back to me. If I have any doubt of my spirituality then this is not true. I shouldn't find comfort in knowing this but I do. That scares me.
So is this an aah ha moment? In my program and my favorite reading Acceptance is the Answer which I re- read morning yesterday. It states Nothing, absolutely nothing happens in God's world by mistake.
How things are played out and why are at different times are again a mystery to the unknown which I'm accepting as part of my HP's plan.
If I could flash forward and see into time I would hit rewind and go back in time.~ Miche'le Lynn
I appreciate my Sobriety & living today and I really wanted to tell that to Rob.
Then I reflect that thought through and it is gone. I recall the day on the 14 th of Feb 2011 when I looked in the sky. I felt him, I felt all of his love on me. I can see the light and the way everything around me was so surreal. Everything that occurred that played out that day is a motion of life's cycle beyond what we just see in our sights.
I don't even like the thought that I even wrote the first paragraph above, it gave me such a uneasy feeling, I felt instant abandonment and fear as the thought were typed across the screen as they were lifted from my mind. I don't want to linger on them to long. It's more for the fact that I want to be able to answer the the thought then to think on that thought! In the first place this is irritating because I had originally been thinking about how if he could what he would do? If he could rewind time would he?
Would he or did he think the thought all the way through?
I don't believe he did what so ever, what I know of Robert was he reacted then thought of the aftermath to the decisions or the consequences to or whomever came after the fact to his reactions of his actions..
In that I think a lot about Robert and being here with me alot. I believe if he could come back he would and all the things would be differenlty, with work and time.
When I first started to write this it was early after noon on March 27th 2011. My 11 month sobriety date, I had been sad through the night and had been unable to sleep. I spent much of the late night listening to music as I often have and use to when Rob and I were separated, or when I wanted to express how I felt or he did, not always towards each other necessary just in general. We could express and felt our emotions through the lyrics that played out by the notes of the music. As I was getting ready for the afternoon with a to go with a friend I had several emotions and thoughts going through me and I had stopped what I was doing and wrote sereval times. One which I started was this.
That early afternoon as I was typing this my friend told me later he had written me somethings he had been thinking and wanted to share with me. I reasoned if it's your opinion or how to fix anything I'm going through I don't want to hear it right now. He reassured me it wasn't. As the afternoon went on it played out to be a very good afternoon. Later that evening before I headed home we were just finishing up the evening talking he grabbed the paper he had written his thoughts earlier that morning before I had arrived for our day outings and this is where it begin:
I listen at first unsure of what I was going to hear, spoken in broken words to me through tears were the thoughts through his words I felt myself saying many times before in my mind that were left unsaid. The tears were hot as they streamed down my face and I wept for even though I'd not had the moment to say the things I had so desperately wanted him to hear. This friend of mine had taken it upon himself to write down and say to me the things he wanted to say that he thought I would but never got the chance too and what he felt or thought Rob would say or like to me, but can't.
They were in his own words and feelings about my life and pertained more towards me and where I am at right now. In a realization that in my grief and loss I have thoughts of taking my own life, the truth is in my belief "I can go to him (Rob) but he can never come back to me. If I have any doubt of my spirituality then this is not true. I shouldn't find comfort in knowing this but I do. That scares me.
So is this an aah ha moment? In my program and my favorite reading Acceptance is the Answer which I re- read morning yesterday. It states Nothing, absolutely nothing happens in God's world by mistake.
How things are played out and why are at different times are again a mystery to the unknown which I'm accepting as part of my HP's plan.
If I could flash forward and see into time I would hit rewind and go back in time.~ Miche'le Lynn
I appreciate my Sobriety & living today and I really wanted to tell that to Rob.
Sunday, March 27, 2011
Sober Seeker
In my quest to get sober I, in my alcoholic mind thought that I, with the help of Rob & or others would get "Sober" on my own or at least to try. I had periods of not drinking and swearing off alcohol and then only drinking on the weekends or just beer no hard stuff. Then I would drink to the point that I would go through withdrawals, DT's. My will to do this on my own had a lot to do with the fear of abandonment. It wasn't because I felt I didn't need help. We had several discussions and agreed that I needed help. I was willing to get help but what was I willing to give or or risk to get that help in the frame my mind was in. If I was gone who or what would be there when I came back. While I was gone what would happen, the changes, it was giving up control. Even though what control I did have was completely unmanageable & I was on the route to loosing everything.
In the last month I was consistently not feeling well and there was need for the alcohol. "An Addiction" At the end of March 2010 I decided, with Rob's support, after I tried to wean myself off that I would go into St Joes and Detox it was right before Easter. My short stint to detox in St Joes wasn't long. I started and lasted one day at OPT at St Joes and with in a week and a half I relapsed. Rob had finally had enough. I believe with my med change and the drinking this time it had effected me differently then before. I had blacked out!! I wasn't able to drink very much without having major side effects and my behavior was different. I'm assuming due to the new meds and changes from the meds. Things came to a head and Rob pulled out completely.
When I realized in a moment of clarity which didn't last for long but long enough. I went to my parents and said I need help. With in a couple days things were starting to happen and I decided on where to go for Recovery. I had to detox first, here we go again is what I thought. It's gonna be he same thing as before.
Weaning me off with some drug just to leave me with the cravings afterwards. So I decided I wasn't going to wean off with any medication this time. I was going to get the full effects of the withdrawal and it was BRUTAL! I wouldn't suggest it to anyone. It's a proven medical fact you can die from withdrawal from alcohol. So my method is NOT recommended unless you are under the observation of a trained Chemical Dependency Co & Nurse.
The detox is for ever embedded in my mind. It was awful, scary and I was at my worst. It had an impact on me though and I constantly can remember the way I felt and how agonizing it was to go through. I didn't have to do it that way. I choose to though. After my detox I went home, I drank too.
The reason I drank , I'm an alcoholic! I still had no program. Provided with a valium or without you will still relapse with a much greater chance without the program then with. I had went home with higher hopes to see Rob before I left to go into Recovery. I also had to pack still and make last minute arrangements with my landlord. Rob had no real reasoning in seeing me, but there where things he wanted to take care of before I left.
I got a small pint of Raspberry Vodka Smirnoff and I drank that night. I made a CD for Rob. With just one song on it (I never told you). I listened to various music into the late night just being lost in my emotions and my alcoholic illusions. Until I drifted into sleep, thinking about Rob and how I felt. I was to enter The Retreat in two days. That was to be my last dunk.................. not my last drink.
In the last month I was consistently not feeling well and there was need for the alcohol. "An Addiction" At the end of March 2010 I decided, with Rob's support, after I tried to wean myself off that I would go into St Joes and Detox it was right before Easter. My short stint to detox in St Joes wasn't long. I started and lasted one day at OPT at St Joes and with in a week and a half I relapsed. Rob had finally had enough. I believe with my med change and the drinking this time it had effected me differently then before. I had blacked out!! I wasn't able to drink very much without having major side effects and my behavior was different. I'm assuming due to the new meds and changes from the meds. Things came to a head and Rob pulled out completely.
When I realized in a moment of clarity which didn't last for long but long enough. I went to my parents and said I need help. With in a couple days things were starting to happen and I decided on where to go for Recovery. I had to detox first, here we go again is what I thought. It's gonna be he same thing as before.
Weaning me off with some drug just to leave me with the cravings afterwards. So I decided I wasn't going to wean off with any medication this time. I was going to get the full effects of the withdrawal and it was BRUTAL! I wouldn't suggest it to anyone. It's a proven medical fact you can die from withdrawal from alcohol. So my method is NOT recommended unless you are under the observation of a trained Chemical Dependency Co & Nurse.
The detox is for ever embedded in my mind. It was awful, scary and I was at my worst. It had an impact on me though and I constantly can remember the way I felt and how agonizing it was to go through. I didn't have to do it that way. I choose to though. After my detox I went home, I drank too.
The reason I drank , I'm an alcoholic! I still had no program. Provided with a valium or without you will still relapse with a much greater chance without the program then with. I had went home with higher hopes to see Rob before I left to go into Recovery. I also had to pack still and make last minute arrangements with my landlord. Rob had no real reasoning in seeing me, but there where things he wanted to take care of before I left.
I got a small pint of Raspberry Vodka Smirnoff and I drank that night. I made a CD for Rob. With just one song on it (I never told you). I listened to various music into the late night just being lost in my emotions and my alcoholic illusions. Until I drifted into sleep, thinking about Rob and how I felt. I was to enter The Retreat in two days. That was to be my last dunk.................. not my last drink.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)