In all the things I've been focusing on it never occurred to me till now to think about if he could and was here to see me and he knew the pain and since he can't come back cause death is final then would he be sad at his decision then? seeing what anguish this caused everyone? I mean is he alone and now sadder then ever? Oh that's such a sad sad thought. Or is he really free and at peace?
Then I reflect that thought through and it is gone. I recall the day on the 14 th of Feb 2011 when I looked in the sky. I felt him, I felt all of his love on me. I can see the light and the way everything around me was so surreal. Everything that occurred that played out that day is a motion of life's cycle beyond what we just see in our sights.
I don't even like the thought that I even wrote the first paragraph above, it gave me such a uneasy feeling, I felt instant abandonment and fear as the thought were typed across the screen as they were lifted from my mind. I don't want to linger on them to long. It's more for the fact that I want to be able to answer the the thought then to think on that thought! In the first place this is irritating because I had originally been thinking about how if he could what he would do? If he could rewind time would he?
Would he or did he think the thought all the way through?
I don't believe he did what so ever, what I know of Robert was he reacted then thought of the aftermath to the decisions or the consequences to or whomever came after the fact to his reactions of his actions..
In that I think a lot about Robert and being here with me alot. I believe if he could come back he would and all the things would be differenlty, with work and time.
When I first started to write this it was early after noon on March 27th 2011. My 11 month sobriety date, I had been sad through the night and had been unable to sleep. I spent much of the late night listening to music as I often have and use to when Rob and I were separated, or when I wanted to express how I felt or he did, not always towards each other necessary just in general. We could express and felt our emotions through the lyrics that played out by the notes of the music. As I was getting ready for the afternoon with a to go with a friend I had several emotions and thoughts going through me and I had stopped what I was doing and wrote sereval times. One which I started was this.
That early afternoon as I was typing this my friend told me later he had written me somethings he had been thinking and wanted to share with me. I reasoned if it's your opinion or how to fix anything I'm going through I don't want to hear it right now. He reassured me it wasn't. As the afternoon went on it played out to be a very good afternoon. Later that evening before I headed home we were just finishing up the evening talking he grabbed the paper he had written his thoughts earlier that morning before I had arrived for our day outings and this is where it begin:
I listen at first unsure of what I was going to hear, spoken in broken words to me through tears were the thoughts through his words I felt myself saying many times before in my mind that were left unsaid. The tears were hot as they streamed down my face and I wept for even though I'd not had the moment to say the things I had so desperately wanted him to hear. This friend of mine had taken it upon himself to write down and say to me the things he wanted to say that he thought I would but never got the chance too and what he felt or thought Rob would say or like to me, but can't.
They were in his own words and feelings about my life and pertained more towards me and where I am at right now. In a realization that in my grief and loss I have thoughts of taking my own life, the truth is in my belief "I can go to him (Rob) but he can never come back to me. If I have any doubt of my spirituality then this is not true. I shouldn't find comfort in knowing this but I do. That scares me.
So is this an aah ha moment? In my program and my favorite reading Acceptance is the Answer which I re- read morning yesterday. It states Nothing, absolutely nothing happens in God's world by mistake.
How things are played out and why are at different times are again a mystery to the unknown which I'm accepting as part of my HP's plan.
If I could flash forward and see into time I would hit rewind and go back in time.~ Miche'le Lynn
I appreciate my Sobriety & living today and I really wanted to tell that to Rob.
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