In my quest to get sober I, in my alcoholic mind thought that I, with the help of Rob & or others would get "Sober" on my own or at least to try. I had periods of not drinking and swearing off alcohol and then only drinking on the weekends or just beer no hard stuff. Then I would drink to the point that I would go through withdrawals, DT's. My will to do this on my own had a lot to do with the fear of abandonment. It wasn't because I felt I didn't need help. We had several discussions and agreed that I needed help. I was willing to get help but what was I willing to give or or risk to get that help in the frame my mind was in. If I was gone who or what would be there when I came back. While I was gone what would happen, the changes, it was giving up control. Even though what control I did have was completely unmanageable & I was on the route to loosing everything.
In the last month I was consistently not feeling well and there was need for the alcohol. "An Addiction" At the end of March 2010 I decided, with Rob's support, after I tried to wean myself off that I would go into St Joes and Detox it was right before Easter. My short stint to detox in St Joes wasn't long. I started and lasted one day at OPT at St Joes and with in a week and a half I relapsed. Rob had finally had enough. I believe with my med change and the drinking this time it had effected me differently then before. I had blacked out!! I wasn't able to drink very much without having major side effects and my behavior was different. I'm assuming due to the new meds and changes from the meds. Things came to a head and Rob pulled out completely.
When I realized in a moment of clarity which didn't last for long but long enough. I went to my parents and said I need help. With in a couple days things were starting to happen and I decided on where to go for Recovery. I had to detox first, here we go again is what I thought. It's gonna be he same thing as before.
Weaning me off with some drug just to leave me with the cravings afterwards. So I decided I wasn't going to wean off with any medication this time. I was going to get the full effects of the withdrawal and it was BRUTAL! I wouldn't suggest it to anyone. It's a proven medical fact you can die from withdrawal from alcohol. So my method is NOT recommended unless you are under the observation of a trained Chemical Dependency Co & Nurse.
The detox is for ever embedded in my mind. It was awful, scary and I was at my worst. It had an impact on me though and I constantly can remember the way I felt and how agonizing it was to go through. I didn't have to do it that way. I choose to though. After my detox I went home, I drank too.
The reason I drank , I'm an alcoholic! I still had no program. Provided with a valium or without you will still relapse with a much greater chance without the program then with. I had went home with higher hopes to see Rob before I left to go into Recovery. I also had to pack still and make last minute arrangements with my landlord. Rob had no real reasoning in seeing me, but there where things he wanted to take care of before I left.
I got a small pint of Raspberry Vodka Smirnoff and I drank that night. I made a CD for Rob. With just one song on it (I never told you). I listened to various music into the late night just being lost in my emotions and my alcoholic illusions. Until I drifted into sleep, thinking about Rob and how I felt. I was to enter The Retreat in two days. That was to be my last dunk.................. not my last drink.
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