In the Summer of 2010 I had made attempts to go out to the Retreat where I had competed the Recovery Program for AA and Speaker meetings. When I would go I met up with a girlfriend of mine there, had dinner at the Retreat and then we would visit before the meetings. There was one particular time we were visiting in the study or men's library. It was in this study where I had done my 3rd step: Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood God, and I had the term "free will" brought before and where the understanding became clear to me. It's where I learned what it ment to really "let go" of my anger and break down the spiritual blocks that were built around me.
It was this time we were talking about the unknown, and if it was ok just not to know about something, I believe more in regards to me wondering if it was just ok if I didn't know exactly what I wanted to do or how I was going to with multiply things in my life. If I just didn't know?? How to accept and if it was ok to accept that? I remember thinking at that time "I was actually going to be able to ok and accept or at least work on accepting the unknown". Yet then so when faced with that same question a couple months later and in regards to Rob's loss that was not how I felt in the aftermath.
Since Rob's loss I have found time and time again my return of questioning the unknown and it has become more like a constant growing fear. I seem to be battling with it on a daily basis with several aspects in my life and questioning my thoughts, feelings and reactions. Even though I can have all things pointing "yes" "right" or "go". (Fear can be powerful if you let it take over. )
Then when I opened my daily reading today I was in awe at how clearly the message was just meant to be placed out for me today.
There is a place in me that knows it will never know. At times I will get depressed about that and feel there's no real point to life. Perhaps meaning is not knowing and understanding but acceptance of the mystery, an embracing the unknown. I accept that I will never fully understand - I embrace the mystery.
It comes back to that one word I see over and over again Accept. Acceptance Is The Answer page 417, is my favorite reading in the big book. I have to accept, and it seems a lot!! Once I accept, then from there things will come into play, the next move is made, or closure can be found., a result will be formed!
The soul is restless & furious; it wants to tear itself apart and sure itself of being human~ Ugo Betti
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