If he were here we'd be doing exactly what I'm doing right now in this same spot. Everything looks the same, it's exactly in it's place. Tonight I'm finally able to put on 1 of 3 shirts I have of his to wear as I go to sleep. Which to many may seem like no deal but to me I have longed to wear his shirts but it's not as easy as one might think. There's so much emotion and thoughts that surround just this one thing, such as wearing his shirt. I have to be grateful I have at least the three I have instead of hurt that I don't have more or that clothes I bought him are being carelessly worn by one or a couple of his "friends". Then I take a deep breath and remember what I had with him & the things he shared with me in the deepest conversation I've ever had. We talked about things we promised to carry forever and ever, the bond was unbreakable and I know him & his love for those few he was very very close too, that I feel something went terribly wrong inside of his mind in the end.
I 'm dreaming of him more often now. My thoughts are never away from him for very long, as I drift in & out with almost every other thought of "we're making memories" flashing through my mind.... Miss him & Layla both so much. Enduring life with out him here takes a lot of strength, each day is different. I never know how it's going to be. I've tried so many different coping skills finding ones that work & keeping the ones that don't on the sidelines for they may come in handy at a another time.
Involving myself outside of me has started to prove its benefits and I've opened up more from time to time to new things. Letting myself feel the emotions that come is deeply important & taking time to reflect on this all as it's happening instead of pushing it away or dwelling for hours upon it seems to prove to be best for me.
When I'm broken I can see a fear steep inside of me, abandonment is the hardest thing for me along with rejection. It creates a pain inside of me that turns into turmoil. It use to weaken me & I suppose I can say it still does from time to time. I'm using the building blocks & stepping stones & I'm trusting that I will succeed in going forward that this is the life I have now being created in front of me. It may not have been the one I choose or wanted exactly as it is but there is nothing I can do at all to bring Rob's life back & once I can fully accept that I will be able to finally say goodbye. I'm having a hard time just doing that and struggling with finding where this all fits in and moving forward with out him.
I need more guidance, love, and time alone just being with me and finding life's experiences on my own with out attachments
I never forget about his family & daughter, all the things they face without Rob is forever in my heart. I made a commitment that I will forever keep as best as I can. They are apart of Rob and he's apart of my heart. I know with out a doubt that will never change as strong as ever it still remains.
No comments:
Post a Comment