In my attempt to express or talk about what I feel or think pertains to the loss of Rob I feel my thoughts get scrambled and are not portrayed as easily when I try to speak them as when I write them. I feel I'm able to own them more maybe.
In my thoughts today as the weather is getting nicer I think of last year and how excited Rob and I were to start doing tings in the yard. It's a constant recollection of the year before and what we where doing and then what we would be doing now. All the things he's missing, the plans we had made for the future, the things we will never do. Some I never want to do cause they won't be with him. I often find myself teary eyed and weepy no matter where I am. Those minutes, hours, even days can be the worst of them all.
Not once did I ever think that we wouldn't be together, breaks happen to the best relationships I read once. That evening driving into the drive way before I picked him up for the bank I remember thinking "God this is the one you meant for me". We're gonna be together, we just HAVE to get healthy.
That night he proved me wrong.
We had it instantly, bounded, inseparable, compassionate, and co-dependent but fought for our independence. A whirlwind of happiness set off emotions that both of us had searched for since both us had ended our previous relationships with our ex's leaving us wounded. Both had similar stories and it made it very easy for us to understand the other's hurt, abandonment and losses we had endured through life.
We both were at different stages in our lives though and through the course of relationship things changed and the roles we played changed very often then not. Which made it difficult to maintain stability. One thing that never faltered was that we had love to give and very big hearts. I felt we weren't gonna give up on each other.
Rob was stubborn though and when he usually had something in his mind it was hard to get him to see things differently. When he got mad he was not one that was easily to forgive someone. I'm the opposite of that, and once I went through the Retreat program for Recovery it made a substantial impact on me and change became a huge part of life for me and those involved around me. It wasn't by means of always for the good or how it should of been done. I made mistakes in my Recovery in the beginning, I always will. What I do is learn and don't repeat them. The changes in me were not accepted easily & were sometimes hard for Rob I felt and at times we had discussed it. He had said at one time he was not use to the Happy me as he out it. I felt weren't in the same place anymore in our lives.
Since Rob is no longer here I tend to look more at myself and my actions and not concentrate on his. It by no means that he didn't contribute to the events that took place and how my reactions where rather right or wrong. It's my responsibility to make amends and recognize my part not his.
3-2011
Saturday, June 2, 2012
Check IN
Check In's are Necessary!!
1) In my recovery many doors have opened and some I have been sealed shut. I haven't always seen them right away or excepted and even wanted to walk thru the doors at times. I'd like to think I'm becoming more god conscious but it's something that I still struggle with.
2) I miss Rob so much and as the longer time passes it seems I miss him more. I feel the earning to for all those things I shared and had with him has deepened not subsided as time is moving on.
3) Everyone deals differently with everything I believe, I don't know what other's think but I do know what I feel and to me that's what I have to focus on on and it's myself that's life I have to live. If I concentrate on other's and their thoughts or their opinions then I lose focus of my life where there I could risk a down whirl spiral.
4) "Acceptance Is the Answer" that is my favorite story in the big book.
5) When I was in the Retreat for Recovery I use to always say "THY will not be done not mine". It was my favorite saying to say through out my stay there. It has a very powerful meaning to me.
6) Finding a place where I felt comfortable found me too. Doing volunteer work at Mn Recovery Connection has offered so many things, way more then I ever expected. In that I'm learning to trust, on my terms & put myself out there as I feel comfortable and setting boundaries. It has also helped me get outside of my comfort zone.
7) Anger & Resentments & Reflection have been a huge part of this past year. I still have to continuously work the steps, but I work them in ways that are now productive and get positive healthy results.
8) Advocacy has always been a huge part of my life, I have a strong passion for getting out the message and awareness for mental health and now long term recovery. I believe that change doesn't happen on it's own or in a short period of time. It takes a constant persistence voice and movement. It's my ambition and willingness to get the importance across to those who are unaware or under educated and how they can benefit or help others in need.
9) NAMI & NAMI MN WALKS is an organization that I am fully involved and enjoy also giving a lot of my time too. This year will be my third year walking and my first year on the committee. I am also a certified Nami connections trained facilitator. It's is such a blessing to have an opportunity to be apart of such a great organization that is making such a huge impact Nation wide in mental heath.
These are just a few things in my life that are apart of my Recovery and where I find passion in my own life and in the lives of others, I see how my story being told and continues has been helpful to me and to other.
Having Bipolar and being in Recovery from addiction I do not let hinder me, they are personal growths and experiences that have guided me in a direction that is now working for me. Where I was once lost I am now finding peacefulness with in myself. I am able to overcome obstacles that I would have never been able to even comprehend before, I have found empathy, compassion, an desire and willingness to give to myself and others. I do not control what I can not, I admit when I am wrong and I look for guidance from those that are positive in my life instead of harmful.
Everyday is a full of possibilities, I have challenges that I have to face some days due to my having Bipolar that are so much more difficult and not knowing when those days or weeks will be or for how long isn't something I dwell on anymore. Instead I make the days that I have he most of and learn how I can improve and better the ones for me and the ones around me when those difficult times come.
The way I view it is that I can either let this control me or I can give it no control and use the resources that are available to me thankfully and facilitate them to the fullest and knowing that I trust that my well being and dedication is well worth every minute.
Some of my greatest thoughts, writing, speeches or projects have came from my bipolar mind. As I said I don't see it just as am illness unless I am not taking my medication or doing the things I need to be to make my life style healthy.
By no means is this the life I would thought to want to have had but it's the life I do have and I can only accept it and once I have accepted it so many wonderful things have come in to play and I have been able to share that with so many more.
3-2011
1) In my recovery many doors have opened and some I have been sealed shut. I haven't always seen them right away or excepted and even wanted to walk thru the doors at times. I'd like to think I'm becoming more god conscious but it's something that I still struggle with.
2) I miss Rob so much and as the longer time passes it seems I miss him more. I feel the earning to for all those things I shared and had with him has deepened not subsided as time is moving on.
3) Everyone deals differently with everything I believe, I don't know what other's think but I do know what I feel and to me that's what I have to focus on on and it's myself that's life I have to live. If I concentrate on other's and their thoughts or their opinions then I lose focus of my life where there I could risk a down whirl spiral.
4) "Acceptance Is the Answer" that is my favorite story in the big book.
5) When I was in the Retreat for Recovery I use to always say "THY will not be done not mine". It was my favorite saying to say through out my stay there. It has a very powerful meaning to me.
6) Finding a place where I felt comfortable found me too. Doing volunteer work at Mn Recovery Connection has offered so many things, way more then I ever expected. In that I'm learning to trust, on my terms & put myself out there as I feel comfortable and setting boundaries. It has also helped me get outside of my comfort zone.
7) Anger & Resentments & Reflection have been a huge part of this past year. I still have to continuously work the steps, but I work them in ways that are now productive and get positive healthy results.
8) Advocacy has always been a huge part of my life, I have a strong passion for getting out the message and awareness for mental health and now long term recovery. I believe that change doesn't happen on it's own or in a short period of time. It takes a constant persistence voice and movement. It's my ambition and willingness to get the importance across to those who are unaware or under educated and how they can benefit or help others in need.
9) NAMI & NAMI MN WALKS is an organization that I am fully involved and enjoy also giving a lot of my time too. This year will be my third year walking and my first year on the committee. I am also a certified Nami connections trained facilitator. It's is such a blessing to have an opportunity to be apart of such a great organization that is making such a huge impact Nation wide in mental heath.
These are just a few things in my life that are apart of my Recovery and where I find passion in my own life and in the lives of others, I see how my story being told and continues has been helpful to me and to other.
Having Bipolar and being in Recovery from addiction I do not let hinder me, they are personal growths and experiences that have guided me in a direction that is now working for me. Where I was once lost I am now finding peacefulness with in myself. I am able to overcome obstacles that I would have never been able to even comprehend before, I have found empathy, compassion, an desire and willingness to give to myself and others. I do not control what I can not, I admit when I am wrong and I look for guidance from those that are positive in my life instead of harmful.
Everyday is a full of possibilities, I have challenges that I have to face some days due to my having Bipolar that are so much more difficult and not knowing when those days or weeks will be or for how long isn't something I dwell on anymore. Instead I make the days that I have he most of and learn how I can improve and better the ones for me and the ones around me when those difficult times come.
The way I view it is that I can either let this control me or I can give it no control and use the resources that are available to me thankfully and facilitate them to the fullest and knowing that I trust that my well being and dedication is well worth every minute.
Some of my greatest thoughts, writing, speeches or projects have came from my bipolar mind. As I said I don't see it just as am illness unless I am not taking my medication or doing the things I need to be to make my life style healthy.
By no means is this the life I would thought to want to have had but it's the life I do have and I can only accept it and once I have accepted it so many wonderful things have come in to play and I have been able to share that with so many more.
3-2011
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