Tuesday, April 5, 2011
Monday, April 4, 2011
Small Acceptance's
There are things I'm doing now that I thought, avoided or said I didn't want or have tried not to do since Rob died by suicide. Most of it is accepting that he is gone by doing these things. I was holding myself back from going forward or letting myself do things that pertained to certain things in relation to Rob.
I don't know if I will ever be able to go through anything withouth thinking of him while doing it, and I'm okay with that cause I love him, but I have to continue being apart of life. It starts small, like with eating something we both loved thru watching a movie we had on planned as a family to go see together.
Today I saw a picture of his daughter Lalya with Erin's, his daughter's moms, boyfriend. Just Layla & him. It made me truly sad. They were at the circus. I really want Rob to be here with his daughter. I'm very sad that his hurt and thinking was such a narrow thought that all the love he had and we all had for him had been surpassed.
Death by suicide is such a tramatic way for those left behind to have to contiue to re learn to live life again in a different way, it's an acceptance that no one at all want to have to say that they accepted. That's they key to living life I'm learning. Acceptance.
I don't know if I will ever be able to go through anything withouth thinking of him while doing it, and I'm okay with that cause I love him, but I have to continue being apart of life. It starts small, like with eating something we both loved thru watching a movie we had on planned as a family to go see together.
Today I saw a picture of his daughter Lalya with Erin's, his daughter's moms, boyfriend. Just Layla & him. It made me truly sad. They were at the circus. I really want Rob to be here with his daughter. I'm very sad that his hurt and thinking was such a narrow thought that all the love he had and we all had for him had been surpassed.
Death by suicide is such a tramatic way for those left behind to have to contiue to re learn to live life again in a different way, it's an acceptance that no one at all want to have to say that they accepted. That's they key to living life I'm learning. Acceptance.
Everything starts over
When I first moved in to my new place from where Rob and I lived at the Duplex's I had everything set up exactly the same. I was very particular about keeping everything layed out to the best as I could to duplicate how it was prior.. I went on this spree of collecting every thing I possibly could and putting it into his and Layla's dresser that I have in my room. Two of the drawer's have things in them it isn't very much yet it's all memories to me. Many more of it's Layla's then it is Rob's. Stuff she never got to wear because I had bought it for her at the end of the late summer in 2010 when it was to cold so she could wear for this coming year.
I understand that I have everything set up for the fact that I wanted it to stay the same for it to remain as similar to when we were all together. I even made sure my bed was facing the same way in the same direction so I could lay exactly where he would lay if he were laying with me. I needed to hold on to anyway I could, I was grasping.
In understanding a little more of death caused by suicide as I'm reading more and accepting things, for this moment I found myself changing the living room furniture around today. I was very surprised once I realized what I was doing and for a second I was tempted to stop and put everything back but then a sense of this is necessary and doesn't change anything but the view and showing growth.
I'm still dealing with things and in fact tonight I'm pretty sad. Even though I had a great night.!!
Everything has to start over when someone you loves dies by suicide and it has to start somewhere sometime. Not meaning it all happens at once, it comes in it's own time and when ready acceptance will guide you through it.
I understand that I have everything set up for the fact that I wanted it to stay the same for it to remain as similar to when we were all together. I even made sure my bed was facing the same way in the same direction so I could lay exactly where he would lay if he were laying with me. I needed to hold on to anyway I could, I was grasping.
In understanding a little more of death caused by suicide as I'm reading more and accepting things, for this moment I found myself changing the living room furniture around today. I was very surprised once I realized what I was doing and for a second I was tempted to stop and put everything back but then a sense of this is necessary and doesn't change anything but the view and showing growth.
I'm still dealing with things and in fact tonight I'm pretty sad. Even though I had a great night.!!
Everything has to start over when someone you loves dies by suicide and it has to start somewhere sometime. Not meaning it all happens at once, it comes in it's own time and when ready acceptance will guide you through it.
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