The Gray Area

I can't seem to find the gray area in my life. It's either one extreme or the other and I'm finding it very difficult now to maintain even one or the other for long periods of time. There is an unbalance that is surrounding me that hasn't hovered here in sometime, almost a battle that I feel I'm having not only with in myself but with others also.
There's a sense of the unknown & losing myself in this, fear based I guess is what I would call it. So much has changed. Has this affected my life more than it should have? How is one to know? It's so tragic & it's the way he died that eats at me and it's the things I've accomplished with in my reovery that I stuggle with. For it's a powerful thing I can't always explain in words, yet I experince the feelings inside my soul & tugging at my heart at all hours of the day. To sum it up I feel like I traded sobriety for suicide.

Tears of fury.

I believe that a lot of my feelings of sadness have easily turned in to bits of anger & fury comes into my eyes at times. I feel abandoned, guilty, alone, insecure, fear of failure and many more mixed emotions, when It comes to any given thing it seems lately. I miss my companionship that I had with Robert before his suicide. The bond we shared and how easy we were able to talk to each other about things going on in our lives that we were dealing with. It seemed that I was able to talk out what I was feeling or happening, he would just listen, he didn't feel the need to fix it, or offer a solution, just listen. Sometimes we would talk it out, sometimes I would ask for his advice, sometimes he would just see that I had no hope and would give me direction.

This would be where the co-dependent part of the relationship we had started, I'm struggling to find and hold my own without his reassurance. It was always us in the end, that's what it came down too. We were not broken, I believe were fixable, I believe that this wasn't what was in our plan and that course has forever changed and it is an adjustment period. It takes time to refine things that you have come a custom to and here in this case refining is more like redefining.