In the Summer of 2010 I had made attempts to go out to the Retreat where I had competed the Recovery Program for AA and Speaker meetings. When I would go I met up with a girlfriend of mine there, had dinner at the Retreat and then we would visit before the meetings. There was one particular time we were visiting in the study or men's library. It was in this study where I had done my 3rd step: Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood God, and I had the term "free will" brought before and where the understanding became clear to me. It's where I learned what it ment to really "let go" of my anger and break down the spiritual blocks that were built around me.
It was this time we were talking about the unknown, and if it was ok just not to know about something, I believe more in regards to me wondering if it was just ok if I didn't know exactly what I wanted to do or how I was going to with multiply things in my life. If I just didn't know?? How to accept and if it was ok to accept that? I remember thinking at that time "I was actually going to be able to ok and accept or at least work on accepting the unknown". Yet then so when faced with that same question a couple months later and in regards to Rob's loss that was not how I felt in the aftermath.
Since Rob's loss I have found time and time again my return of questioning the unknown and it has become more like a constant growing fear. I seem to be battling with it on a daily basis with several aspects in my life and questioning my thoughts, feelings and reactions. Even though I can have all things pointing "yes" "right" or "go". (Fear can be powerful if you let it take over. )
Then when I opened my daily reading today I was in awe at how clearly the message was just meant to be placed out for me today.
There is a place in me that knows it will never know. At times I will get depressed about that and feel there's no real point to life. Perhaps meaning is not knowing and understanding but acceptance of the mystery, an embracing the unknown. I accept that I will never fully understand - I embrace the mystery.
It comes back to that one word I see over and over again Accept. Acceptance Is The Answer page 417, is my favorite reading in the big book. I have to accept, and it seems a lot!! Once I accept, then from there things will come into play, the next move is made, or closure can be found., a result will be formed!
The soul is restless & furious; it wants to tear itself apart and sure itself of being human~ Ugo Betti
Saturday, March 26, 2011
Friday, March 25, 2011
Grief living life
Recently while I was volunteering at the MN Recovery Connection I met a woman new in her recovery who had recently been divorced. As we talked and shared our stories she had said something that I remembered feeling and thinking at one time myself. To sum it up in my own words, she mentioned that her recent loss from her divorce felt as if she were grieving the death of her relationship of her marriage.
When I got separated in 2004 from my ex husband I remember thinking this must be what it death must feel like of losing a SO. It was such an emotional loss on so many different levels. I couldn't seem to cope with everything that was taking place. I had started drinking during this time as a way to dull the feelings I was experiencing. This was the beginning of my alcoholism. About a a year and a half before I had started experiencing elated states & bouts of depression and as time was passing these highs and lows were coming more frequent. The onset of my divorce seemed to have triggered something to where I was unaware of how to manage life. I self medicated to deal with the changes in my moods, what was going on in my mind so rapidly and in my life. By 2005 I was a wreak and was diagnosed with a brain disorder called Bipolar I, which went untreated until 2008.
When Rob took his life I felt everything in an instant drain from my body in sheer anguish, terror, and disbelief. I lost it completely. I screamed and screamed! I couldn't get a grip on any one thought at all. I was so confused and it wasn't like I could believe that it was real but I had seen the cops outside and knew it was true. He was gone. Everything happened so fast too fast, I was all over the place. I immediately wanted to fix something that couldn't be repaired. I was helpless and hope for anything seemed to vanish. So many questions’ I was left with. Not sure if any of the answers where the correct ones.
I found out very quickly it's nothing like a divorce that happens over time. The relationship ceases from the result of suicide is gone instantly, communication, affection, everything is over and there is nothing you can do about it, it wasn't a choice you had any say in.
It affects everyone differently I found out and every one's grief is different. It is very frustrating to relate and communicate how I was feeling. I was all over the place one minute to the next. I know looking back reality was as far from a possibility at times for me during the wake of the beginning of the aftermath. I was at a lost. It was easy to want to blame someone, yourself or even him and go back and forth. I needed answers and NOW. I dwelled on that, I replayed the night over & over. I hashed out everything in a notebook writing to him page after page. Going on long drives and crying into my cell phone to him or out loud in a desperate hope that he could even to this day hear or see me and how much I hurt, miss him and still want him here.
Through it all at the time it was right before my 7th month sobriety date and I never once picked up a drink. I will now have 11 months in two days.
Even though Roberts loss is heart wrenching and tragic beyond something I ever thought I would ever face in my life I have something I never had before Recovery. Spiritual Recovery, it is not easy but it comes with each new day and ending the night knowing I'm still sober. There have been thoughts of "what was it worth" and if "I drank this would all be gone" or I knew it would be my last drink in darker times. I have to admit that there have been many days that the thought of Robert has kept me Sober. How proud he would be of me. That I would fail him and he would be so disappointed if I drank.
It brings tears to my eyes now as I think of how proud he was of me as the months past & how he always made an effort to remind me of the accomplishments I had made. I like to feel it's something we both wanted for each other, was to see each other grow. I truly wanted that for him so much... I always wanted him to be happy, he deserved more for himself then what he allowed. Knowing that makes it hard now when my sobriety dates come and he's not here. I feel a deep sorrow, some kind of a guilt for being sober & him not being here to achieve his dreams for I'm working towards mine.
Then I don't have the answers for him taking his life, there is the unknown & the things he has repeatedly said to me. Most of all there is the things I know that we shared and the way we felt that I have to go on and trust he'd want me to to continue on knowing I loved him unconditionally and he me.
I have found through the better days that I have a life worth living and no one is going to live, even though it's hard at times, my life if I'm not living it. Doors keep opening for me to move forward. Over the last few month,s not without a struggle at times, and the purpose is only there to help me grow stronger, finding meaning and purpose. I've given back just as I've also received. I feel as the path I'm on is always going to be apart of "a work in progress", but rewards will come along the way.
From Rob's loss I've had a fight and not a flight response this time, I'm facing things as they come at me with an open mind. He knew if anyone would make a change from any of this it would be me. He really thought that was one of the greatest gifts I had. I have to remind my self of all of these things from time to time.
All losses are difficult and trying during the grieving process. No way is right or wrong and not one is worse then one or the other to who is experiencing the loss at the present moment. I can say now my divorce and the experiences from that made me stronger. It maybe was something that without going through I would have capsized in the wake of all of this but at the time it was taking place it was miserable and this is the last thought I would have ever had..... Is I'm going to be OK!
Empowerment To Inspire Change One Step At A Time~ Miche'le Cortinas
When I got separated in 2004 from my ex husband I remember thinking this must be what it death must feel like of losing a SO. It was such an emotional loss on so many different levels. I couldn't seem to cope with everything that was taking place. I had started drinking during this time as a way to dull the feelings I was experiencing. This was the beginning of my alcoholism. About a a year and a half before I had started experiencing elated states & bouts of depression and as time was passing these highs and lows were coming more frequent. The onset of my divorce seemed to have triggered something to where I was unaware of how to manage life. I self medicated to deal with the changes in my moods, what was going on in my mind so rapidly and in my life. By 2005 I was a wreak and was diagnosed with a brain disorder called Bipolar I, which went untreated until 2008.
When Rob took his life I felt everything in an instant drain from my body in sheer anguish, terror, and disbelief. I lost it completely. I screamed and screamed! I couldn't get a grip on any one thought at all. I was so confused and it wasn't like I could believe that it was real but I had seen the cops outside and knew it was true. He was gone. Everything happened so fast too fast, I was all over the place. I immediately wanted to fix something that couldn't be repaired. I was helpless and hope for anything seemed to vanish. So many questions’ I was left with. Not sure if any of the answers where the correct ones.
I found out very quickly it's nothing like a divorce that happens over time. The relationship ceases from the result of suicide is gone instantly, communication, affection, everything is over and there is nothing you can do about it, it wasn't a choice you had any say in.
It affects everyone differently I found out and every one's grief is different. It is very frustrating to relate and communicate how I was feeling. I was all over the place one minute to the next. I know looking back reality was as far from a possibility at times for me during the wake of the beginning of the aftermath. I was at a lost. It was easy to want to blame someone, yourself or even him and go back and forth. I needed answers and NOW. I dwelled on that, I replayed the night over & over. I hashed out everything in a notebook writing to him page after page. Going on long drives and crying into my cell phone to him or out loud in a desperate hope that he could even to this day hear or see me and how much I hurt, miss him and still want him here.
Through it all at the time it was right before my 7th month sobriety date and I never once picked up a drink. I will now have 11 months in two days.
Even though Roberts loss is heart wrenching and tragic beyond something I ever thought I would ever face in my life I have something I never had before Recovery. Spiritual Recovery, it is not easy but it comes with each new day and ending the night knowing I'm still sober. There have been thoughts of "what was it worth" and if "I drank this would all be gone" or I knew it would be my last drink in darker times. I have to admit that there have been many days that the thought of Robert has kept me Sober. How proud he would be of me. That I would fail him and he would be so disappointed if I drank.
It brings tears to my eyes now as I think of how proud he was of me as the months past & how he always made an effort to remind me of the accomplishments I had made. I like to feel it's something we both wanted for each other, was to see each other grow. I truly wanted that for him so much... I always wanted him to be happy, he deserved more for himself then what he allowed. Knowing that makes it hard now when my sobriety dates come and he's not here. I feel a deep sorrow, some kind of a guilt for being sober & him not being here to achieve his dreams for I'm working towards mine.
Then I don't have the answers for him taking his life, there is the unknown & the things he has repeatedly said to me. Most of all there is the things I know that we shared and the way we felt that I have to go on and trust he'd want me to to continue on knowing I loved him unconditionally and he me.
I have found through the better days that I have a life worth living and no one is going to live, even though it's hard at times, my life if I'm not living it. Doors keep opening for me to move forward. Over the last few month,s not without a struggle at times, and the purpose is only there to help me grow stronger, finding meaning and purpose. I've given back just as I've also received. I feel as the path I'm on is always going to be apart of "a work in progress", but rewards will come along the way.
From Rob's loss I've had a fight and not a flight response this time, I'm facing things as they come at me with an open mind. He knew if anyone would make a change from any of this it would be me. He really thought that was one of the greatest gifts I had. I have to remind my self of all of these things from time to time.
All losses are difficult and trying during the grieving process. No way is right or wrong and not one is worse then one or the other to who is experiencing the loss at the present moment. I can say now my divorce and the experiences from that made me stronger. It maybe was something that without going through I would have capsized in the wake of all of this but at the time it was taking place it was miserable and this is the last thought I would have ever had..... Is I'm going to be OK!
Empowerment To Inspire Change One Step At A Time~ Miche'le Cortinas
Thursday, March 24, 2011
Meaning in Belongings
Really when you look at something what does it really mean to you? Is if yours or someone else's? Is it an article of clothing or the last thing they touched. Is that ever something you even think about? or have put that much thought into?
When I think of the last time I was with Rob it is so importaint that every moment is so clear that I can still see and feel as if it were as vivid as the moment had played out before us. I realized today I was frightened if it starts to slip away from my mind. The possibility of that maybe happening forced myself to feel the whole thing over and over seeing it till it was as clear as yesterday in my mind. I just felt panic of the thought of never feeling or seeing him that last time as clearly as I can.
Everything I have held on to from the last few times we were together from a shirt on a hanger to receipt from us going to the bank. I had to keep everything he touched or that reminds me of that night or the days before. Then other things from a single sock of his to odds & ends they also "mean" everything to me.
Before that moment you wouldn't realize the meaning or what purpose all those things that you come across may hold to you. It's parts of the "We're making memories" that I have left from the man I love. Someone with whom I shared only a short time frame but shared my whole life and heart with!!
When I think of the last time I was with Rob it is so importaint that every moment is so clear that I can still see and feel as if it were as vivid as the moment had played out before us. I realized today I was frightened if it starts to slip away from my mind. The possibility of that maybe happening forced myself to feel the whole thing over and over seeing it till it was as clear as yesterday in my mind. I just felt panic of the thought of never feeling or seeing him that last time as clearly as I can.
Everything I have held on to from the last few times we were together from a shirt on a hanger to receipt from us going to the bank. I had to keep everything he touched or that reminds me of that night or the days before. Then other things from a single sock of his to odds & ends they also "mean" everything to me.
Before that moment you wouldn't realize the meaning or what purpose all those things that you come across may hold to you. It's parts of the "We're making memories" that I have left from the man I love. Someone with whom I shared only a short time frame but shared my whole life and heart with!!
Emotional Confused
I can still hear his voice, the smell of him and I can feel his touch on me, it doesn't take much. Whenever we were apart I could do that too. I could think of him and feel. It was amazing the connection we had & the way we were drawn toward each other. There wasn't always the good either, it's hard to remember those times. When I miss him. I get mad though too. More of that has already came out it seems and still does from time to time and when it does it's felt strong.
Monday, March 21, 2011
Acceptance Un-easily
If he were here we'd be doing exactly what I'm doing right now in this same spot. Everything looks the same, it's exactly in it's place. Tonight I'm finally able to put on 1 of 3 shirts I have of his to wear as I go to sleep. Which to many may seem like no deal but to me I have longed to wear his shirts but it's not as easy as one might think. There's so much emotion and thoughts that surround just this one thing, such as wearing his shirt. I have to be grateful I have at least the three I have instead of hurt that I don't have more or that clothes I bought him are being carelessly worn by one or a couple of his "friends". Then I take a deep breath and remember what I had with him & the things he shared with me in the deepest conversation I've ever had. We talked about things we promised to carry forever and ever, the bond was unbreakable and I know him & his love for those few he was very very close too, that I feel something went terribly wrong inside of his mind in the end.
I 'm dreaming of him more often now. My thoughts are never away from him for very long, as I drift in & out with almost every other thought of "we're making memories" flashing through my mind.... Miss him & Layla both so much. Enduring life with out him here takes a lot of strength, each day is different. I never know how it's going to be. I've tried so many different coping skills finding ones that work & keeping the ones that don't on the sidelines for they may come in handy at a another time.
Involving myself outside of me has started to prove its benefits and I've opened up more from time to time to new things. Letting myself feel the emotions that come is deeply important & taking time to reflect on this all as it's happening instead of pushing it away or dwelling for hours upon it seems to prove to be best for me.
When I'm broken I can see a fear steep inside of me, abandonment is the hardest thing for me along with rejection. It creates a pain inside of me that turns into turmoil. It use to weaken me & I suppose I can say it still does from time to time. I'm using the building blocks & stepping stones & I'm trusting that I will succeed in going forward that this is the life I have now being created in front of me. It may not have been the one I choose or wanted exactly as it is but there is nothing I can do at all to bring Rob's life back & once I can fully accept that I will be able to finally say goodbye. I'm having a hard time just doing that and struggling with finding where this all fits in and moving forward with out him.
I need more guidance, love, and time alone just being with me and finding life's experiences on my own with out attachments
I never forget about his family & daughter, all the things they face without Rob is forever in my heart. I made a commitment that I will forever keep as best as I can. They are apart of Rob and he's apart of my heart. I know with out a doubt that will never change as strong as ever it still remains.
I 'm dreaming of him more often now. My thoughts are never away from him for very long, as I drift in & out with almost every other thought of "we're making memories" flashing through my mind.... Miss him & Layla both so much. Enduring life with out him here takes a lot of strength, each day is different. I never know how it's going to be. I've tried so many different coping skills finding ones that work & keeping the ones that don't on the sidelines for they may come in handy at a another time.
Involving myself outside of me has started to prove its benefits and I've opened up more from time to time to new things. Letting myself feel the emotions that come is deeply important & taking time to reflect on this all as it's happening instead of pushing it away or dwelling for hours upon it seems to prove to be best for me.
When I'm broken I can see a fear steep inside of me, abandonment is the hardest thing for me along with rejection. It creates a pain inside of me that turns into turmoil. It use to weaken me & I suppose I can say it still does from time to time. I'm using the building blocks & stepping stones & I'm trusting that I will succeed in going forward that this is the life I have now being created in front of me. It may not have been the one I choose or wanted exactly as it is but there is nothing I can do at all to bring Rob's life back & once I can fully accept that I will be able to finally say goodbye. I'm having a hard time just doing that and struggling with finding where this all fits in and moving forward with out him.
I need more guidance, love, and time alone just being with me and finding life's experiences on my own with out attachments
I never forget about his family & daughter, all the things they face without Rob is forever in my heart. I made a commitment that I will forever keep as best as I can. They are apart of Rob and he's apart of my heart. I know with out a doubt that will never change as strong as ever it still remains.
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