When I got separated in 2004 from my ex husband I remember thinking this must be what it death must feel like of losing a SO. It was such an emotional loss on so many different levels. I couldn't seem to cope with everything that was taking place. I had started drinking during this time as a way to dull the feelings I was experiencing. This was the beginning of my alcoholism. About a a year and a half before I had started experiencing elated states & bouts of depression and as time was passing these highs and lows were coming more frequent. The onset of my divorce seemed to have triggered something to where I was unaware of how to manage life. I self medicated to deal with the changes in my moods, what was going on in my mind so rapidly and in my life. By 2005 I was a wreak and was diagnosed with a brain disorder called Bipolar I, which went untreated until 2008.
When Rob took his life I felt everything in an instant drain from my body in sheer anguish, terror, and disbelief. I lost it completely. I screamed and screamed! I couldn't get a grip on any one thought at all. I was so confused and it wasn't like I could believe that it was real but I had seen the cops outside and knew it was true. He was gone. Everything happened so fast too fast, I was all over the place. I immediately wanted to fix something that couldn't be repaired. I was helpless and hope for anything seemed to vanish. So many questions’ I was left with. Not sure if any of the answers where the correct ones.
I found out very quickly it's nothing like a divorce that happens over time. The relationship ceases from the result of suicide is gone instantly, communication, affection, everything is over and there is nothing you can do about it, it wasn't a choice you had any say in.
It affects everyone differently I found out and every one's grief is different. It is very frustrating to relate and communicate how I was feeling. I was all over the place one minute to the next. I know looking back reality was as far from a possibility at times for me during the wake of the beginning of the aftermath. I was at a lost. It was easy to want to blame someone, yourself or even him and go back and forth. I needed answers and NOW. I dwelled on that, I replayed the night over & over. I hashed out everything in a notebook writing to him page after page. Going on long drives and crying into my cell phone to him or out loud in a desperate hope that he could even to this day hear or see me and how much I hurt, miss him and still want him here.
Through it all at the time it was right before my 7th month sobriety date and I never once picked up a drink. I will now have 11 months in two days.
Even though Roberts loss is heart wrenching and tragic beyond something I ever thought I would ever face in my life I have something I never had before Recovery. Spiritual Recovery, it is not easy but it comes with each new day and ending the night knowing I'm still sober. There have been thoughts of "what was it worth" and if "I drank this would all be gone" or I knew it would be my last drink in darker times. I have to admit that there have been many days that the thought of Robert has kept me Sober. How proud he would be of me. That I would fail him and he would be so disappointed if I drank.
It brings tears to my eyes now as I think of how proud he was of me as the months past & how he always made an effort to remind me of the accomplishments I had made. I like to feel it's something we both wanted for each other, was to see each other grow. I truly wanted that for him so much... I always wanted him to be happy, he deserved more for himself then what he allowed. Knowing that makes it hard now when my sobriety dates come and he's not here. I feel a deep sorrow, some kind of a guilt for being sober & him not being here to achieve his dreams for I'm working towards mine.
Then I don't have the answers for him taking his life, there is the unknown & the things he has repeatedly said to me. Most of all there is the things I know that we shared and the way we felt that I have to go on and trust he'd want me to to continue on knowing I loved him unconditionally and he me.
I have found through the better days that I have a life worth living and no one is going to live, even though it's hard at times, my life if I'm not living it. Doors keep opening for me to move forward. Over the last few month,s not without a struggle at times, and the purpose is only there to help me grow stronger, finding meaning and purpose. I've given back just as I've also received. I feel as the path I'm on is always going to be apart of "a work in progress", but rewards will come along the way.
From Rob's loss I've had a fight and not a flight response this time, I'm facing things as they come at me with an open mind. He knew if anyone would make a change from any of this it would be me. He really thought that was one of the greatest gifts I had. I have to remind my self of all of these things from time to time.
All losses are difficult and trying during the grieving process. No way is right or wrong and not one is worse then one or the other to who is experiencing the loss at the present moment. I can say now my divorce and the experiences from that made me stronger. It maybe was something that without going through I would have capsized in the wake of all of this but at the time it was taking place it was miserable and this is the last thought I would have ever had..... Is I'm going to be OK!
Empowerment To Inspire Change One Step At A Time~ Miche'le Cortinas
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