To thine ownself be true.

Once your honest with yourself and your HP great things happen. I of course like everything else take longer or the harder routes in my self discovery but once I learned this and put it forth in my daily life I felt it's really force. Honesty and being true to yourself, doing what I want for me and not to make other's happy or to make them feel good in return myself poorly.

It's also looking at my behaviors, thoughts and feelings. Making a choice to be true to my self by not disregarding my wants and needs is essential for my growth in my recovery. I for so long was in denial that I had a mental illness, I knew it but I couldn't accept it. Just like in my addictions they were the same. I was lying to myself and others. That only prevented my sobriety and recovery from forming,..

I can accept that I have a mental illness, that I might find the rewards is something I pray and seek through my HP's guidance. It's doesn't mean I wanted this but it is what it is. My choice is now what to do with it and that's being Honest first.

Morals and beliefs can change, and I know that in my path this past year I have deeply reflected on these both and mine needed some tweaking and eliminating but most of all I hold these things in a high value but I don't always follow them and there for I am lying and abandoning true self.

Letting go of the fear and not living fear is an uncomfortable and uneasy quest in the beginning, it's like setting your self up. Then as I let it go I breathe and reflect on the more peaceful I am and do not resonate on the what if's. Today and this moment is happening and I only get to be apart of it right now and that's is where I need to be.

Mindfulness Mania

Incorporating new ideas into my already crammed thoughts seemed just ludicrous at first and I think it has taken me reading, listening, learning and also experiencing change over and over to clearly see and accept what this meant.

In order to begin change I need to be mindful of all things, my perception and thoughts affect my reality. I am having to redirect my attention several times a day back to being mindful. When I am mindful I manage  myself.

Now having Bipolar I and doing this to me is very rewarding and discouraging at the same time. I see the differences between the two in that I had a choice to drink but I didn't chose Bipolar I. I now am at an acceptance that I was given Bipolar and it's my will to manage those choices god gives me. I'm learning to take deeper breaths, pray, ask for guidance and feel that peace.

Sitting still, relaxing and letting this feeling I get come over me is one of the hardest struggles. I'm usually all over the place and when I go force myself because I'm not accomplishing anything or being reasonable in my thoughts, I feel so guilty from stopping, I feel like I should be going and going but nothing ever gets accomplished. I know why, and again I need to be mindful of this and refocus myself.

I may have to remake a make different choices and change my mind, the more I practice mindfulness I believe god will provide, and I will only grown and learn from his guidance. I trust in his plan for me, and yes I defy and let fear guide me, it's getting back on course no matter what, accepting the lesson.

A years pass

This day seemed so far away and now it's coming to an end of one year and on to my two years of sobriety.

My first year of sobriety was filled with so many different life lessons, it was a journey on the road for long term recovery, and when the worst came to pick myself up and re learn to live life.

It's making choices and admitting my wrongs, honesty, openness and willingness. I struggled days and knowing that I made the choice not to drink gives me strength even when I feel weakness in every part of my life I have that sobriety to pull me through.

Tear just come

I couldn't help it they just came out, I guess I have been holding them in, I just sat on the the love seat and wept. I get really lonely, not just lonely for just anybody but family, unconditional love, loss. I gave my first speaker meeting last night and I felt good afterwards, like I gave something back, I shared my story, in a short summary of recovery.
Yet here I am today, sad cause I'm here and I remember thoughts of almost a year.  I'm not with or where I thought I'd be a year later based on my sobriety as I belived it would lead me to be, and I am not sure how to feel about that.
I'm happy and grateful for the things I have, but there is that sense of loss that still lingers for all that has happen in my path of Recovery and addiction that hurts me and hurts others and I know looking back it is not changeable but it's still sad how some of the things that happen did.
I keep busy and involve myself in a lot of things now that are positive for me, there are still everyday challenges that I encounter and have to deal with. I push things off still that until I feel I'm able to deal with them and sometimes I just throw myself into them and I'm like oh that wasn't so bad, don't get me wrong there are the times I have been like ugh this is a nightmare but in those situations I always follow through until I have come to resolve once I am in.
Structure is becoming a more influential part of my life and with that I am able to handle things more constructively. I need to work on not taking or starting so many things at once though so I have multiply takes going on at once.
And with writing I'd be trapped in my thoughts going around and round, rapidly racing and trying to figure out a thousand different ways to solve, say, or answer and ask multiply things at the same time. It's nice to have quite time when it does come.
The overwhelming or just letting something go or realization of something and accepting it brings tears and sometimes they just come.

Answers will come

When I first tried to understand why and question it I was at a loss one moment and then the next a million different ideas and thoughts were solving themselves in my mind and I just couldn't understand at all. Dumbfounded. I think I stopped asking why now.
I still am at the acceptance of that Rob's suicide happened at all and not so much as why. I don't have his answer's for him, only he does, but I feel that I have had some of my "why's" answered. This through so many gracious ways that I feel were put into place as God intended them to because He believed He knew those things would give me what I needed to provide me the courage to accept the things I can not change, Rob's death by suicide being one of them.
Going back into the past can not be dwelled upon. If we stay there then we are living in the past. It's OK to revisit the past for remembrance, to reflect on personal growth and for mindfulness for the present. If something in my life hinders my recovery and growth in self,  I can choose to remove it or myself. It's my personal choice and I have to be responsible for my actions and decisions I make in the here and now.
I have serached for many answers on various things in my life, that I feel now come so much more easily then they ever have before. I do sometimes fight the answers I get and try to alter them my way but that has proven to get me no where. Once I started opening up to new ways, ideas, thoughts as I still am working very hard at today as this is all very new to me. I see that things are calmer, I'm able to gather my thoughts  and all these things happen for longer periods of time.
I have to tell myself constantly and be very mindful of what I'm working on and that's me. The only person I can change is me, by making changes in me I can aid in the outcome on things that I'm working on . If I'm happy with what I'm doing and focusing on what I need to be then I feel I'm balancing out all parts of my life, even when my life feels unmanageable it is being managed.
Nothings comes right away or all at once. I believe again there is a reason for this. I wouldn't of been able to recover and learn the lessons and things put forth in front of me and put one foot in front of each other to take each step with to many different answers thrown at me either. It's all an awaking inside of me that is transforming and I'm ready to be apart of what we both have to offer.

Healing past pain

I've focused a lot on the death of Rob's suicide in the last 5 months, there has been other pains that have occurred and that I have ignored and by not dealing with them as they were happening. They did not solve themselves, they just got pushed aside and as they resurface I feel them over and over.

I understand now that they are just going to continue to present themselves unless I acknowledge them and deal with them in a healthy manner and have acceptance and closure. I don't have to like everything, my way doesn't have to be the right way and I don't have to control every situation or not control it at all. I have to accept the things I can not change, change the things and to know the difference between the two. I struggle with knowing the difference. It's something I have to really pray about and ask for guidance. It's taking a lot of stepping back and reflecting and processing what is happening in each situation.

I have always been one to second guess myself at times when I should of went with my original instinct and at other times jumped in when I should of stepped back, frustrating. I find myself now just at a point of not knowing always which I am suppose to be doing and very cautious, which can hinder my recovery. It's finding my gray area.

The pain from the past is holding on to things, but in order to really move forward I have to revisit those past pains and let my self let go of the resentment that have steamed and built walls around me. It's stating it, what it was, taking responsibility of my apart, acknowledging how it affected me, praying about it and then letting it go.Which is our 4th step and I realize now is that while going through this grief process I have to be accountable to do this daily as well as with the other things that resurface from the past.

Also I stepped back from working on making my amends and I'm now feeling an uneasy feeling and a guilt because of it. I feel as if i really didn't focus on those around me and continue to work that part of my program. It's very difficult when you are so deep in grief and loss to focus on much else.

I would like to think this is a sign that I'm feeling ready to move forward and refocus some of life more on to my recovery that was in progress before his died.Which to me is so important. I don't want to not let to much more time pass either and I am feeling as my one year is approaching that it has.

On another note as I was going through a lot of this loss and grief, myself worth lowered and I don't feel I would of given my amends the respect nor the consideration that they deserved. I feel it's a process to grow from and should be done with the intent for just as it is stated an Amend.

I'll step out and work on healing the past pains and make amends.

Throwing myself in

I'm trying to process everything that is taking place in my life right now. Feeling overwhelmed and unmanageable. I have started implementing things in my life to be involved in outside of my home and to where it's benefiting me yet I'm giving back, though consistency is something I'm still working on. I realized that a lot of times when things start to progress I will step back from some of the things that I really needed to keep me going. Like my daily readings, prayer, meditation (quietness), writting journals and taking care of myself more mindfully.

It is important to refocus myself back to these tools for my recovery as a whole. There has been several times someone has said the need for these things, but like everything else I'm am a work in progress and I had to learn it for myself. I recognize it now and will continue practicing throwing myself back into what works for me and throwing out what doesn't.

Everything starts over

When I first moved in to my new place from where Rob and I lived at the Duplex's I had everything set up exactly the same. I was very particular about keeping everything layed out to the best as I could to duplicate how it was prior.. I went on this spree of collecting every thing I possibly could and putting it into his and Layla's dresser that I have in my room. Two of the drawer's have things in them it isn't very much yet it's all memories to me. Many more of it's Layla's then it is Rob's. Stuff she never got to wear because I had bought it for her at the end of the late summer in 2010 when it was to cold so she could wear for this coming year.

I understand that I have everything set up for the fact that I wanted it to stay the same for it to remain as similar to when we were all together. I even made sure my bed was facing the same way in the same direction so I could lay exactly where he would lay if he were laying with me. I needed to hold on to anyway I could, I was grasping.

In understanding a little more of death caused by suicide as I'm reading more and accepting things, for this moment I found myself changing the living room furniture around today. I was very surprised once I realized what I was doing and for a second I was tempted to stop and put everything back but then a sense of this is necessary and doesn't change anything but the view and showing growth.
I'm still dealing with things and in fact tonight I'm pretty sad. Even though I had a great night.!!
Everything has to start over when someone you loves dies by suicide and it has to start somewhere sometime. Not meaning it all happens at once, it comes in it's own time and when ready acceptance will guide you through it.

Sober Seeker

In my quest to get sober I, in my alcoholic mind thought that I, with the help of Rob & or others would get "Sober" on my own or at least to try. I had periods of not drinking and swearing off alcohol and then only drinking on the weekends or just beer no hard stuff. Then I would drink to the point that I would go through withdrawals, DT's. My will to do this on my own had a lot to do with the fear of abandonment. It wasn't because I felt I didn't need help. We had several discussions and agreed that I needed help. I was willing to get help but what was I willing to give or or risk to get that help in the frame my mind was in. If I was gone who or what would be there when I came back. While I was gone what would happen, the changes, it was giving up control. Even though what control I did have was completely unmanageable  & I was on the route to loosing everything.

In the last month I was consistently not feeling well and there was need for the alcohol. "An Addiction"  At the end of March 2010  I decided, with Rob's support, after I tried to wean myself off that I would go into St Joes and Detox it was right before Easter. My short stint to detox in St Joes wasn't long. I started and lasted one day at OPT at St Joes and with in a week and a half I relapsed. Rob had finally had enough. I believe with my med change and the drinking this time it had effected me differently then before. I had blacked out!! I wasn't able to drink very much without having major side effects and my behavior was different. I'm assuming due to the new meds and changes from the meds. Things came to a head and Rob pulled out completely.

When I realized in a moment of clarity which didn't last for long but long enough. I went to my parents and said I need help. With in a couple days things were starting to happen and I decided on where to go for Recovery. I had to detox first, here we go again is what I thought. It's gonna be he same thing as before.
Weaning me off with some drug just to leave me with the cravings afterwards. So I decided I wasn't going to wean off with any medication this time. I was going to get the full effects of the withdrawal and it was BRUTAL! I wouldn't suggest it to anyone. It's a proven medical fact you can die from withdrawal from alcohol. So my method is NOT recommended unless you are under the observation of a trained Chemical Dependency Co & Nurse.

The detox is for ever embedded in my mind. It was awful, scary and I was at my worst. It had an impact on me though and I constantly can remember the way I felt and how agonizing it was to go through. I didn't have to do it that way. I choose to though. After my detox I went home, I drank too.


The reason I drank , I'm an alcoholic! I still had no program. Provided with a valium or without you will still relapse with a much greater chance without the program then with.  I had went home with higher hopes to see Rob before I left to go into Recovery. I also had to pack still and make last minute arrangements with my landlord. Rob had no real reasoning in seeing me, but there where things he wanted to take care of before I left.

 I got a small pint of Raspberry Vodka Smirnoff and I drank that night. I made a CD for Rob. With just one song on it  (I never told you). I listened to various music into the late night just being lost in my emotions and my alcoholic illusions. Until I drifted into sleep, thinking about Rob and how I felt. I was to enter The Retreat in two days. That was to be my last dunk.................. not my last drink.

Accept the Mystery Unknown

In the Summer of 2010 I had made attempts to go out to the Retreat where I had competed the Recovery Program  for AA and Speaker meetings. When I would go I met up with a girlfriend of mine there, had dinner at the Retreat and then we would visit before the meetings. There was one particular time we were visiting in the study or men's library. It was in this study where I had done my 3rd step:  Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood God, and I had the term  "free will" brought before and where the understanding became clear to me. It's where I learned what it ment to really "let go" of my anger and break down the spiritual blocks that were built around me.

It was this time we were talking about the unknown, and if it was ok just not to know about something, I believe more in regards to me wondering if it was just ok if I didn't know exactly what I wanted to do or how I was going to with multiply things in my life. If I just didn't know??  How to accept and if it was ok to accept that? I remember thinking at that time "I was actually going to be able to ok and accept or at least work on accepting the unknown". Yet then so when faced with that same question a couple months later and in regards to Rob's loss that was not how I felt in the aftermath.

Since Rob's loss I have found time and time again my return of questioning the unknown and it has become more like a constant growing fear. I seem to be battling with it on a daily basis with several aspects in my life and questioning my thoughts, feelings and reactions.  Even though I can have all things pointing "yes"  "right" or "go".  (Fear can be powerful if you let it take over. )

Then when I opened my daily reading today I was in awe at how clearly the message was just meant to be placed out for me today.

    There is a place in me that knows it will never know.  At times I will get depressed about that and    feel there's no real point to life. Perhaps meaning is not knowing and understanding but acceptance of the mystery, an embracing the unknown. I accept that I will never fully understand - I embrace the mystery.

It comes back to that one word I see over and over again Accept. Acceptance Is The Answer page 417, is my favorite reading in the big book. I have to accept, and it seems a lot!! Once I accept, then from there things will come into play, the next move is made, or closure can be found., a result will be formed!

 The  soul is restless & furious; it wants to tear itself apart and sure itself of being human~ Ugo Betti 

Grief living life

Recently while I was volunteering at the MN Recovery Connection I met a woman new in her recovery who had recently been divorced. As we talked and shared our stories she had said something that I remembered feeling and thinking at one time myself. To sum it up in my own words, she mentioned that her recent loss from her divorce felt as if she were grieving the death of her relationship of her marriage.

When I got separated in 2004 from my ex husband I remember thinking this must be what it death must feel like of losing a SO. It was such an emotional loss on so many different levels. I couldn't seem to cope with everything that was taking place. I had started drinking during this time as a way to dull the feelings I was experiencing. This was the beginning of my alcoholism. About a a year and a half before I had started experiencing elated states & bouts of depression and as time was passing these highs and lows were coming more frequent. The onset of my divorce seemed to have triggered something to where I was unaware of how to manage life. I self medicated to deal with the changes in my moods, what was going on in my mind so rapidly and in my life. By 2005 I was a wreak and was diagnosed with a brain disorder called Bipolar I, which went untreated until 2008.

When Rob took his life I felt everything in an instant drain from my body in sheer anguish, terror, and disbelief. I lost it completely. I screamed and screamed! I couldn't get a grip on any one thought at all. I was so confused and it wasn't like I could believe that it was real but I had seen the cops outside and knew it was true. He was gone. Everything happened so fast too fast, I was all over the place. I immediately wanted to fix something that couldn't be repaired. I was helpless and hope for anything seemed to vanish. So many questions’ I was left with. Not sure if any of the answers where the correct ones.

I found out very quickly it's nothing like a divorce that happens over time. The relationship ceases from the result of suicide is gone instantly, communication, affection, everything is over and there is nothing you can do about it, it wasn't a choice you had any say in.

It affects everyone differently I found out and every one's grief is different. It is very frustrating to relate and communicate how I was feeling. I was all over the place one minute to the next. I know looking back reality was as far from a possibility at times for me during the wake of the beginning of the aftermath. I was at a lost. It was easy to want to blame someone, yourself or even him and go back and forth. I needed answers and NOW. I dwelled on that, I replayed the night over & over. I hashed out everything in a notebook writing to him page after page. Going on long drives and crying into my cell phone to him or out loud in a desperate hope that he could even to this day hear or see me and how much I hurt, miss him and still want him here.

Through it all at the time it was right before my 7th month sobriety date and I never once picked up a drink. I will now have 11 months in two days.

Even though Roberts loss is heart wrenching and tragic beyond something I ever thought I would ever face in my life I have something I never had before Recovery. Spiritual Recovery, it is not easy but it comes with each new day and ending the night knowing I'm still sober. There have been thoughts of "what was it worth" and if "I drank this would all be gone" or I knew it would be my last drink in darker times. I have to admit that there have been many days that the thought of Robert has kept me Sober. How proud he would be of me. That I would fail him and he would be so disappointed if I drank.

It brings tears to my eyes now as I think of how proud he was of me as the months past & how he always made an effort to remind me of the accomplishments I had made. I like to feel it's something we both wanted for each other, was to see each other grow. I truly wanted that for him so much...  I always wanted him to be happy, he deserved more for himself then what he allowed. Knowing that makes it hard now when my sobriety dates come and he's not here. I feel a deep sorrow, some kind of a guilt for being sober & him not being here to achieve his dreams for I'm working towards mine.

Then I don't have the answers for him taking his life, there is the unknown & the things he has repeatedly said to me. Most of all there is the things I know that we shared and the way we felt that I have to go on and trust he'd want me to to continue on knowing I loved him unconditionally and he me.

I have found through the better days that I have a life worth living and no one is going to live, even though it's hard at times, my life if I'm not living it. Doors keep opening for me to move forward. Over the last few month,s not without a struggle at times, and the purpose is only there to help me grow stronger, finding meaning and purpose. I've given back just as I've also received. I feel as the path I'm on is always going to be apart of "a work in progress", but rewards will come along the way.

From Rob's loss I've had a fight and not a flight response this time, I'm facing things as they come at me with an open mind. He knew if anyone would make a change from any of this it would be me. He really thought that was one of the greatest gifts I had. I have to remind my self of all of these things from time to time.

All losses are difficult and trying during the grieving process. No way is right or wrong and not one is worse then one or the other to who is experiencing the loss at the present moment. I can say now my divorce and the experiences from that made me stronger. It maybe was something that without going through I would have capsized in the wake of all of this but at the time it was taking place it was miserable and this is the last thought I would have ever had..... Is I'm going to be OK!

Empowerment To Inspire Change One Step At A Time~ Miche'le Cortinas

Acceptance Un-easily

If  he were here we'd be doing exactly what I'm doing right now in this same spot. Everything looks the same, it's exactly in it's place. Tonight I'm finally able to put on 1 of 3 shirts I have of his to wear as I go to sleep. Which to many may seem like no deal but to me I have longed to wear his shirts but it's not as easy as one might think. There's so much emotion and thoughts that surround just this one thing, such as wearing his shirt. I have to be grateful I have at least the three I have instead of hurt that I don't have more or that clothes I bought him are being carelessly worn by one or a couple of his "friends". Then I take a deep breath and remember what I had with him & the things he shared with me in the deepest conversation I've ever had.  We talked about things we promised to carry forever and ever, the bond was unbreakable and I know him & his love for those few he was very very close too, that I feel something went terribly wrong inside of his mind in the end.
I 'm dreaming of him more often now. My thoughts are never away from him for very long, as I drift in & out with almost every other thought of "we're making memories" flashing through my mind.... Miss him & Layla both so much. Enduring life with out him here takes a lot of strength, each day is different. I never know how it's going to be. I've tried so many different coping skills finding ones that work & keeping the ones that don't on the sidelines for they may come in handy at a another time.
Involving myself outside of me has started to prove its benefits and I've opened up more from time to time to new things. Letting myself feel the emotions that come is deeply important & taking time to reflect on this all as it's happening instead of pushing it away or dwelling for hours upon it seems to prove to be best for me.
When I'm broken I can see a fear steep inside of me, abandonment is the hardest thing for me along with rejection. It creates a pain inside of me that turns into turmoil. It use to weaken me & I suppose I can say it still does from time to time. I'm using the building blocks & stepping stones & I'm trusting that I will succeed in going forward that this is the life I have now being created in front of me. It may not have been the one I choose or wanted exactly as it is but there is nothing I can do at all to bring Rob's life back & once I can fully accept that I will be able to finally say goodbye. I'm having a hard time just doing that and struggling with finding where this all fits in and moving forward with out him.
 I need more guidance, love, and time alone just being with me and finding life's experiences on my own with out attachments
I never forget about his family & daughter, all the things they face without Rob is forever in my heart. I made a commitment that I will forever keep as best as I can. They are apart of Rob and he's apart of my heart. I know with out a doubt that will never change as strong as ever it still remains.

Tears of fury.

I believe that a lot of my feelings of sadness have easily turned in to bits of anger & fury comes into my eyes at times. I feel abandoned, guilty, alone, insecure, fear of failure and many more mixed emotions, when It comes to any given thing it seems lately. I miss my companionship that I had with Robert before his suicide. The bond we shared and how easy we were able to talk to each other about things going on in our lives that we were dealing with. It seemed that I was able to talk out what I was feeling or happening, he would just listen, he didn't feel the need to fix it, or offer a solution, just listen. Sometimes we would talk it out, sometimes I would ask for his advice, sometimes he would just see that I had no hope and would give me direction.

This would be where the co-dependent part of the relationship we had started, I'm struggling to find and hold my own without his reassurance. It was always us in the end, that's what it came down too. We were not broken, I believe were fixable, I believe that this wasn't what was in our plan and that course has forever changed and it is an adjustment period. It takes time to refine things that you have come a custom to and here in this case refining is more like redefining.

In Progress

Being Present in my life & living in the now. Finding happiness & grace through tragedy of the loss of my loved one to suicide. Forgiveness, letting go with my spirituality guiding my way through my journey of recovery. Each day holds a new meaning then the day before. Another day sober & another without my loved one Rob. Through these last 9 months months I have had every thing that I know about myself tested & re-evaluated. I search with in myself & re-questioned the things I have been so certain of and through guidance, affirmations & making changes in the areas I needed to & still am working on. I'm a stronger, more open minded & empathetic person then I ever could of thought I could have been. I'm a work in progress! Scary, Damaged with a heart of compassion & love.