Shaping Reality from Fiction

Am I letting go to fast or forced to take a step back from all of this I turn and see your face,
then I see his...
I am torn in two pieces, from time to time I try not to let the tears shed anymore then I slip any away
and cry out for you in pain.
Why am I even standing here waiting for you when you choose to hang around back there in a past life you left me in the place where we lived when you took your life that night.
Saving my self hasn't been easy, it's taken time to pick up the emptiness you left in my heart.

I need but I can't but I do so, I must trust you'd let me go cause you choose to go first into the light that night and you promised me and it hurts so MUCH!

 

Depth Inside perception is deceiving

When I look back I know I'm humble and more emphatic due to the nature of the events that have played out in my life. I feel that thru tragedy and recovery I have developed a different perception on how I view things in a more compassionate and considerate way.

Deming words hurt, they sting the very inner soul of my being and they can rip apart a my self worth in an instant. Specially when coming from the ones I'm close too, which is very few. I am not easily phased my others but those whom I am dependent, with myself having a mental disorder, I trust these people close to me to be honest.

My instinct is to retreat and disappear, diminish so I can no longer be hurt. I want to shut down yet fight back and defend myself, but the pain is so strong I signal for a defeat and shy away. Sometimes for a day or two and pray for a life time.

It's all in the moment, now I struggle with where I fit in and my place. Do I really even have one at all?
My validate effort to accomplish is stomped on and I am degraded for the person I am. Confused inside my mind is whirling with in and racing thoughts don't stop long enough for me to grasp if I care or not...

Using Dreams

In a dream I take a drink I have no control
Guilt sets in then fear I wake in anger for is all so clear.

I REALLY dis like using dreams, I feel extremely beat down and defeated when I wake up. As if I actually relapsed. It's the reassurance of that consciousness awareness and my direct relationship that I am constantly working on with GOD that I need to be in my life and as a essential part of my recovery.

My recovery, relationship with my HP and the journey I choose all play key parts in my happiness.

I pray the lord my soul to keep

I use to get on my hands and knees as a young child and pray every night and say my prayers. Now I pray through out the day when I do pray when working my program several times to my HP.

Today they are putting Robert to Rest in his home town of Houghton MI. I have been replaying, hashing out and asking a lot of questions in my mind all over again since receiving the FB message from his step mom LMK when his burial was. I knew it was in Aug I just wasn't sure of the date until a little over a week and a half ago.

I have cried more in the last cpl weeks and have really understood and seen more of the effects of the impact and also felt them I feel them most recently out side my emotional and mental state.

Having a lot of anxiety isn't helping the situation much and I am trying to keep busy but my mind is a cconstantly flooded with thoughts and I am very preoccupied with them right now. Catching my self in them I try to direct my attention else where and focus on other things but I feel that is maybe agitating what I need  to work through.

On the other spectrum you have the emotional strong arm of me having enough of the grief and tears and seeking happier times are very much desired by me. i am thinking even to the point where I am pre thinking out how something should go and if it doesn't go as planned I am disappointed . Something I need to work on and be aware of.

I pray my HP give me strength, guidance and assurance of his presence. I am vulnerable in so many was and bull headed in others.

Now I lay me.................

Off Day

I struggle today for they put Rob to Rest this coming Saturday. I pace and pace this house I am to call my new home, take away so fast that day everything changed and I'm not bitter just attempting to live life again. I proved my strength time and time again today I maybe weak but tomorrow I'll be okay.

I miss your embrace, it's not the same and I'm jealous at moments, I know what it feels like now on the otherside and it's not the choice I made..

Thoughts are made

Going back into the past can not be dwelled upon. If we stay there then we are living in the past. It's OK to revisit the past for remembrance, to reflect on personal growth and for mindfulness for the present. If something in my life hinders my recovery and growth in self,  I can choose to remove it or myself. It's my personal choice and I have to be responsible for my actions and decisions I make in the here and now.
I have serached for many answers on various things in my life, that I feel now come so much more easily then they ever have before. I do sometimes fight the answers I get and try to alter them my way but that has proven to get me no where. Once I started opening up to new ways, ideas, thoughts as I still am working very hard at today as this is all very new to me. I see that things are calmer, I'm able to gather my thoughts  and all these things happen for longer periods of time.

I have to tell myself constantly and be very mindful of what I'm working on and that's me. The only person I can change is me, by making changes in me I can aid in the outcome on things that I'm working on . If I'm happy with what I'm doing and focusing on what I need to be then I feel I'm balancing out all parts of my life, even when my life feels unmanageable it is being managed.

Nothings comes right away or all at once. I believe again there is a reason for this. I wouldn't of been able to recover and learn the lessons and things put forth in front of me and put one foot in front of each other to take each step with to many different answers thrown at me either. It's all an awaking inside of me that is transforming and I'm ready to be apart of what we both have to offer.

So here I am a year later, reflecting on where I was a year ago today and I'm sober, thankfully. Things aren't were I thought they be, change has occurred, it's all apart of my journey in my recovery and I look forward to where this journey takes me as I am shifting gears and focusing my attention on today's blessings and letting go more and more.

Love the one's in your life that are present, that keep showing up, and that love you unconditionally!

Spiritual Experince

I love that my HP has removed the obsession for alcohol from my mind.

Blessings

As over looked the Mississippi River from Downtown Saint Paul, the sun was shining and It was a beautiful moment. Being held there in the warmth of an embrace I surrendered again. I have to surrender to many thing in my life with which I am trying to control and it's against God's Will or way.

The Cathederal in St Paul, is amazing, I prayed there today. I prayed for peace in my realtionships, was thank ful for the opportunities that I have before me and love.

Revealing the past

I'm on a path of recovery directed by my HP and I still have times where I'm controling the hand and it's not something that works for me. When in recovery it's letting go of your past resentments, forgiveness to others and yourself.
My past is still apart of mylife and when I talk about the before I am sometimes relcutant to talk about the hardships. There for it making it hard for others to understand me and my story.
There are times when I feel I share to much and then not enough at times.

To thine ownself be true.

Once your honest with yourself and your HP great things happen. I of course like everything else take longer or the harder routes in my self discovery but once I learned this and put it forth in my daily life I felt it's really force. Honesty and being true to yourself, doing what I want for me and not to make other's happy or to make them feel good in return myself poorly.

It's also looking at my behaviors, thoughts and feelings. Making a choice to be true to my self by not disregarding my wants and needs is essential for my growth in my recovery. I for so long was in denial that I had a mental illness, I knew it but I couldn't accept it. Just like in my addictions they were the same. I was lying to myself and others. That only prevented my sobriety and recovery from forming,..

I can accept that I have a mental illness, that I might find the rewards is something I pray and seek through my HP's guidance. It's doesn't mean I wanted this but it is what it is. My choice is now what to do with it and that's being Honest first.

Morals and beliefs can change, and I know that in my path this past year I have deeply reflected on these both and mine needed some tweaking and eliminating but most of all I hold these things in a high value but I don't always follow them and there for I am lying and abandoning true self.

Letting go of the fear and not living fear is an uncomfortable and uneasy quest in the beginning, it's like setting your self up. Then as I let it go I breathe and reflect on the more peaceful I am and do not resonate on the what if's. Today and this moment is happening and I only get to be apart of it right now and that's is where I need to be.