Inside My Fear

I've been building walls around me for the last few months since my partner died. It has seemed easier for me to protect myself with barriers for I have the fear of feeling continued hurt and more pain. I see now that there is a cycle beginning that I have started with ones that have been close to me in my past or whom I have started to develop this new relationship with. If I feel threatened I lash out or push away by acting out in away to push the said person away.
The abandonment that I faced once Rob pasted was so unexpected and came with such  fierce agony that a anger has stirred inside of me out of the pain that I endured. I have a difficult time expressing the way this tugs at my inner spirit of me and holds a fear inside of me that I have never imagined I would ever feel in my life time.
When faced with this it so far has left a part of me that  guards m ever so tightly from wanting to embrace the love of another again, it doesn't take much anymore it seems for another to step away. What you give isn't always given, in return that isn't what is, what you seem and who you are from time to time disappear and all these things are knew to me which instills more fear inside my lost lonely soul winding down a fear of doubt from what my loved one left behind the night he committed suicide.

AFFIRMATION: It may seem like the hardest thing to do, but you have to forget about the person who forgot about you.

The Gray Area

I can't seem to find the gray area in my life. It's either one extreme or the other and I'm finding it very difficult now to maintain even one or the other for long periods of time. There is an unbalance that is surrounding me that hasn't hovered here in sometime, almost a battle that I feel I'm having not only with in myself but with others also.
There's a sense of the unknown & losing myself in this, fear based I guess is what I would call it. So much has changed. Has this affected my life more than it should have? How is one to know? It's so tragic & it's the way he died that eats at me and it's the things I've accomplished with in my reovery that I stuggle with. For it's a powerful thing I can't always explain in words, yet I experince the feelings inside my soul & tugging at my heart at all hours of the day. To sum it up I feel like I traded sobriety for suicide.

Tears of fury.

I believe that a lot of my feelings of sadness have easily turned in to bits of anger & fury comes into my eyes at times. I feel abandoned, guilty, alone, insecure, fear of failure and many more mixed emotions, when It comes to any given thing it seems lately. I miss my companionship that I had with Robert before his suicide. The bond we shared and how easy we were able to talk to each other about things going on in our lives that we were dealing with. It seemed that I was able to talk out what I was feeling or happening, he would just listen, he didn't feel the need to fix it, or offer a solution, just listen. Sometimes we would talk it out, sometimes I would ask for his advice, sometimes he would just see that I had no hope and would give me direction.

This would be where the co-dependent part of the relationship we had started, I'm struggling to find and hold my own without his reassurance. It was always us in the end, that's what it came down too. We were not broken, I believe were fixable, I believe that this wasn't what was in our plan and that course has forever changed and it is an adjustment period. It takes time to refine things that you have come a custom to and here in this case refining is more like redefining.

Four Seasons to Grieve

Yesterday I spoke with someone who told me that when her SO lost his life to suicide someone told her it took four season's to grieve and she shared that with me. I'd already started to have thoughts of thinking that this was going to take at least a year. Due to my daily reminders of what we did on this day last year, the anniversary dates, holidays (I never realized how many we really had till now) and then the thoughts of what he would be doing if he were here now, understandably reasons for four season's to grieve.

In Progress

Being Present in my life & living in the now. Finding happiness & grace through tragedy of the loss of my loved one to suicide. Forgiveness, letting go with my spirituality guiding my way through my journey of recovery. Each day holds a new meaning then the day before. Another day sober & another without my loved one Rob. Through these last 9 months months I have had every thing that I know about myself tested & re-evaluated. I search with in myself & re-questioned the things I have been so certain of and through guidance, affirmations & making changes in the areas I needed to & still am working on. I'm a stronger, more open minded & empathetic person then I ever could of thought I could have been. I'm a work in progress! Scary, Damaged with a heart of compassion & love.