I struggle today for they put Rob to Rest this coming Saturday. I pace and pace this house I am to call my new home, take away so fast that day everything changed and I'm not bitter just attempting to live life again. I proved my strength time and time again today I maybe weak but tomorrow I'll be okay.
I miss your embrace, it's not the same and I'm jealous at moments, I know what it feels like now on the otherside and it's not the choice I made..
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
Wednesday, June 29, 2011
Thoughts are made
Going back into the past can not be dwelled upon. If we stay there then we are living in the past. It's OK to revisit the past for remembrance, to reflect on personal growth and for mindfulness for the present. If something in my life hinders my recovery and growth in self, I can choose to remove it or myself. It's my personal choice and I have to be responsible for my actions and decisions I make in the here and now.
I have serached for many answers on various things in my life, that I feel now come so much more easily then they ever have before. I do sometimes fight the answers I get and try to alter them my way but that has proven to get me no where. Once I started opening up to new ways, ideas, thoughts as I still am working very hard at today as this is all very new to me. I see that things are calmer, I'm able to gather my thoughts and all these things happen for longer periods of time.
I have to tell myself constantly and be very mindful of what I'm working on and that's me. The only person I can change is me, by making changes in me I can aid in the outcome on things that I'm working on . If I'm happy with what I'm doing and focusing on what I need to be then I feel I'm balancing out all parts of my life, even when my life feels unmanageable it is being managed.
Nothings comes right away or all at once. I believe again there is a reason for this. I wouldn't of been able to recover and learn the lessons and things put forth in front of me and put one foot in front of each other to take each step with to many different answers thrown at me either. It's all an awaking inside of me that is transforming and I'm ready to be apart of what we both have to offer.
So here I am a year later, reflecting on where I was a year ago today and I'm sober, thankfully. Things aren't were I thought they be, change has occurred, it's all apart of my journey in my recovery and I look forward to where this journey takes me as I am shifting gears and focusing my attention on today's blessings and letting go more and more.
Love the one's in your life that are present, that keep showing up, and that love you unconditionally!
I have serached for many answers on various things in my life, that I feel now come so much more easily then they ever have before. I do sometimes fight the answers I get and try to alter them my way but that has proven to get me no where. Once I started opening up to new ways, ideas, thoughts as I still am working very hard at today as this is all very new to me. I see that things are calmer, I'm able to gather my thoughts and all these things happen for longer periods of time.
I have to tell myself constantly and be very mindful of what I'm working on and that's me. The only person I can change is me, by making changes in me I can aid in the outcome on things that I'm working on . If I'm happy with what I'm doing and focusing on what I need to be then I feel I'm balancing out all parts of my life, even when my life feels unmanageable it is being managed.
Nothings comes right away or all at once. I believe again there is a reason for this. I wouldn't of been able to recover and learn the lessons and things put forth in front of me and put one foot in front of each other to take each step with to many different answers thrown at me either. It's all an awaking inside of me that is transforming and I'm ready to be apart of what we both have to offer.
So here I am a year later, reflecting on where I was a year ago today and I'm sober, thankfully. Things aren't were I thought they be, change has occurred, it's all apart of my journey in my recovery and I look forward to where this journey takes me as I am shifting gears and focusing my attention on today's blessings and letting go more and more.
Love the one's in your life that are present, that keep showing up, and that love you unconditionally!
Blessings
As over looked the Mississippi River from Downtown Saint Paul, the sun was shining and It was a beautiful moment. Being held there in the warmth of an embrace I surrendered again. I have to surrender to many thing in my life with which I am trying to control and it's against God's Will or way.
The Cathederal in St Paul, is amazing, I prayed there today. I prayed for peace in my realtionships, was thank ful for the opportunities that I have before me and love.
The Cathederal in St Paul, is amazing, I prayed there today. I prayed for peace in my realtionships, was thank ful for the opportunities that I have before me and love.
Revealing the past
I'm on a path of recovery directed by my HP and I still have times where I'm controling the hand and it's not something that works for me. When in recovery it's letting go of your past resentments, forgiveness to others and yourself.
My past is still apart of mylife and when I talk about the before I am sometimes relcutant to talk about the hardships. There for it making it hard for others to understand me and my story.
There are times when I feel I share to much and then not enough at times.
My past is still apart of mylife and when I talk about the before I am sometimes relcutant to talk about the hardships. There for it making it hard for others to understand me and my story.
There are times when I feel I share to much and then not enough at times.
Sunday, May 1, 2011
To thine ownself be true.
Once your honest with yourself and your HP great things happen. I of course like everything else take longer or the harder routes in my self discovery but once I learned this and put it forth in my daily life I felt it's really force. Honesty and being true to yourself, doing what I want for me and not to make other's happy or to make them feel good in return myself poorly.
It's also looking at my behaviors, thoughts and feelings. Making a choice to be true to my self by not disregarding my wants and needs is essential for my growth in my recovery. I for so long was in denial that I had a mental illness, I knew it but I couldn't accept it. Just like in my addictions they were the same. I was lying to myself and others. That only prevented my sobriety and recovery from forming,..
I can accept that I have a mental illness, that I might find the rewards is something I pray and seek through my HP's guidance. It's doesn't mean I wanted this but it is what it is. My choice is now what to do with it and that's being Honest first.
Morals and beliefs can change, and I know that in my path this past year I have deeply reflected on these both and mine needed some tweaking and eliminating but most of all I hold these things in a high value but I don't always follow them and there for I am lying and abandoning true self.
Letting go of the fear and not living fear is an uncomfortable and uneasy quest in the beginning, it's like setting your self up. Then as I let it go I breathe and reflect on the more peaceful I am and do not resonate on the what if's. Today and this moment is happening and I only get to be apart of it right now and that's is where I need to be.
It's also looking at my behaviors, thoughts and feelings. Making a choice to be true to my self by not disregarding my wants and needs is essential for my growth in my recovery. I for so long was in denial that I had a mental illness, I knew it but I couldn't accept it. Just like in my addictions they were the same. I was lying to myself and others. That only prevented my sobriety and recovery from forming,..
I can accept that I have a mental illness, that I might find the rewards is something I pray and seek through my HP's guidance. It's doesn't mean I wanted this but it is what it is. My choice is now what to do with it and that's being Honest first.
Morals and beliefs can change, and I know that in my path this past year I have deeply reflected on these both and mine needed some tweaking and eliminating but most of all I hold these things in a high value but I don't always follow them and there for I am lying and abandoning true self.
Letting go of the fear and not living fear is an uncomfortable and uneasy quest in the beginning, it's like setting your self up. Then as I let it go I breathe and reflect on the more peaceful I am and do not resonate on the what if's. Today and this moment is happening and I only get to be apart of it right now and that's is where I need to be.
Saturday, April 30, 2011
Mindfulness Mania
Incorporating new ideas into my already crammed thoughts seemed just ludicrous at first and I think it has taken me reading, listening, learning and also experiencing change over and over to clearly see and accept what this meant.
In order to begin change I need to be mindful of all things, my perception and thoughts affect my reality. I am having to redirect my attention several times a day back to being mindful. When I am mindful I manage myself.
Now having Bipolar I and doing this to me is very rewarding and discouraging at the same time. I see the differences between the two in that I had a choice to drink but I didn't chose Bipolar I. I now am at an acceptance that I was given Bipolar and it's my will to manage those choices god gives me. I'm learning to take deeper breaths, pray, ask for guidance and feel that peace.
Sitting still, relaxing and letting this feeling I get come over me is one of the hardest struggles. I'm usually all over the place and when I go force myself because I'm not accomplishing anything or being reasonable in my thoughts, I feel so guilty from stopping, I feel like I should be going and going but nothing ever gets accomplished. I know why, and again I need to be mindful of this and refocus myself.
I may have to remake a make different choices and change my mind, the more I practice mindfulness I believe god will provide, and I will only grown and learn from his guidance. I trust in his plan for me, and yes I defy and let fear guide me, it's getting back on course no matter what, accepting the lesson.
In order to begin change I need to be mindful of all things, my perception and thoughts affect my reality. I am having to redirect my attention several times a day back to being mindful. When I am mindful I manage myself.
Now having Bipolar I and doing this to me is very rewarding and discouraging at the same time. I see the differences between the two in that I had a choice to drink but I didn't chose Bipolar I. I now am at an acceptance that I was given Bipolar and it's my will to manage those choices god gives me. I'm learning to take deeper breaths, pray, ask for guidance and feel that peace.
Sitting still, relaxing and letting this feeling I get come over me is one of the hardest struggles. I'm usually all over the place and when I go force myself because I'm not accomplishing anything or being reasonable in my thoughts, I feel so guilty from stopping, I feel like I should be going and going but nothing ever gets accomplished. I know why, and again I need to be mindful of this and refocus myself.
I may have to remake a make different choices and change my mind, the more I practice mindfulness I believe god will provide, and I will only grown and learn from his guidance. I trust in his plan for me, and yes I defy and let fear guide me, it's getting back on course no matter what, accepting the lesson.
Thursday, April 28, 2011
A years pass
This day seemed so far away and now it's coming to an end of one year and on to my two years of sobriety.
My first year of sobriety was filled with so many different life lessons, it was a journey on the road for long term recovery, and when the worst came to pick myself up and re learn to live life.
It's making choices and admitting my wrongs, honesty, openness and willingness. I struggled days and knowing that I made the choice not to drink gives me strength even when I feel weakness in every part of my life I have that sobriety to pull me through.
My first year of sobriety was filled with so many different life lessons, it was a journey on the road for long term recovery, and when the worst came to pick myself up and re learn to live life.
It's making choices and admitting my wrongs, honesty, openness and willingness. I struggled days and knowing that I made the choice not to drink gives me strength even when I feel weakness in every part of my life I have that sobriety to pull me through.
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
Shifting Gears
So here I am a year later, reflecting on where I was a year ago today and I'm sober, thankfully. Things aren't were I thought they be, change has occurred, it's all apart of my journey in my recovery and I look forward to where this journey takes me as I am shifting gears and focusing my attention on today's blessings and letting go more and more.
Love the one's in your life that are present, that keep showing up, and that love you unconditionally!
Love the one's in your life that are present, that keep showing up, and that love you unconditionally!
Thursday, April 14, 2011
Tear just come
I couldn't help it they just came out, I guess I have been holding them in, I just sat on the the love seat and wept. I get really lonely, not just lonely for just anybody but family, unconditional love, loss. I gave my first speaker meeting last night and I felt good afterwards, like I gave something back, I shared my story, in a short summary of recovery.
Yet here I am today, sad cause I'm here and I remember thoughts of almost a year. I'm not with or where I thought I'd be a year later based on my sobriety as I belived it would lead me to be, and I am not sure how to feel about that.
I'm happy and grateful for the things I have, but there is that sense of loss that still lingers for all that has happen in my path of Recovery and addiction that hurts me and hurts others and I know looking back it is not changeable but it's still sad how some of the things that happen did.
I keep busy and involve myself in a lot of things now that are positive for me, there are still everyday challenges that I encounter and have to deal with. I push things off still that until I feel I'm able to deal with them and sometimes I just throw myself into them and I'm like oh that wasn't so bad, don't get me wrong there are the times I have been like ugh this is a nightmare but in those situations I always follow through until I have come to resolve once I am in.
Structure is becoming a more influential part of my life and with that I am able to handle things more constructively. I need to work on not taking or starting so many things at once though so I have multiply takes going on at once.
And with writing I'd be trapped in my thoughts going around and round, rapidly racing and trying to figure out a thousand different ways to solve, say, or answer and ask multiply things at the same time. It's nice to have quite time when it does come.
The overwhelming or just letting something go or realization of something and accepting it brings tears and sometimes they just come.
Yet here I am today, sad cause I'm here and I remember thoughts of almost a year. I'm not with or where I thought I'd be a year later based on my sobriety as I belived it would lead me to be, and I am not sure how to feel about that.
I'm happy and grateful for the things I have, but there is that sense of loss that still lingers for all that has happen in my path of Recovery and addiction that hurts me and hurts others and I know looking back it is not changeable but it's still sad how some of the things that happen did.
I keep busy and involve myself in a lot of things now that are positive for me, there are still everyday challenges that I encounter and have to deal with. I push things off still that until I feel I'm able to deal with them and sometimes I just throw myself into them and I'm like oh that wasn't so bad, don't get me wrong there are the times I have been like ugh this is a nightmare but in those situations I always follow through until I have come to resolve once I am in.
Structure is becoming a more influential part of my life and with that I am able to handle things more constructively. I need to work on not taking or starting so many things at once though so I have multiply takes going on at once.
And with writing I'd be trapped in my thoughts going around and round, rapidly racing and trying to figure out a thousand different ways to solve, say, or answer and ask multiply things at the same time. It's nice to have quite time when it does come.
The overwhelming or just letting something go or realization of something and accepting it brings tears and sometimes they just come.
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