I couldn't help it they just came out, I guess I have been holding them in, I just sat on the the love seat and wept. I get really lonely, not just lonely for just anybody but family, unconditional love, loss. I gave my first speaker meeting last night and I felt good afterwards, like I gave something back, I shared my story, in a short summary of recovery.
Yet here I am today, sad cause I'm here and I remember thoughts of almost a year. I'm not with or where I thought I'd be a year later based on my sobriety as I belived it would lead me to be, and I am not sure how to feel about that.
I'm happy and grateful for the things I have, but there is that sense of loss that still lingers for all that has happen in my path of Recovery and addiction that hurts me and hurts others and I know looking back it is not changeable but it's still sad how some of the things that happen did.
I keep busy and involve myself in a lot of things now that are positive for me, there are still everyday challenges that I encounter and have to deal with. I push things off still that until I feel I'm able to deal with them and sometimes I just throw myself into them and I'm like oh that wasn't so bad, don't get me wrong there are the times I have been like ugh this is a nightmare but in those situations I always follow through until I have come to resolve once I am in.
Structure is becoming a more influential part of my life and with that I am able to handle things more constructively. I need to work on not taking or starting so many things at once though so I have multiply takes going on at once.
And with writing I'd be trapped in my thoughts going around and round, rapidly racing and trying to figure out a thousand different ways to solve, say, or answer and ask multiply things at the same time. It's nice to have quite time when it does come.
The overwhelming or just letting something go or realization of something and accepting it brings tears and sometimes they just come.
Thursday, April 14, 2011
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
Answers will come
When I first tried to understand why and question it I was at a loss one moment and then the next a million different ideas and thoughts were solving themselves in my mind and I just couldn't understand at all. Dumbfounded. I think I stopped asking why now.
I still am at the acceptance of that Rob's suicide happened at all and not so much as why. I don't have his answer's for him, only he does, but I feel that I have had some of my "why's" answered. This through so many gracious ways that I feel were put into place as God intended them to because He believed He knew those things would give me what I needed to provide me the courage to accept the things I can not change, Rob's death by suicide being one of them.
Going back into the past can not be dwelled upon. If we stay there then we are living in the past. It's OK to revisit the past for remembrance, to reflect on personal growth and for mindfulness for the present. If something in my life hinders my recovery and growth in self, I can choose to remove it or myself. It's my personal choice and I have to be responsible for my actions and decisions I make in the here and now.
I have serached for many answers on various things in my life, that I feel now come so much more easily then they ever have before. I do sometimes fight the answers I get and try to alter them my way but that has proven to get me no where. Once I started opening up to new ways, ideas, thoughts as I still am working very hard at today as this is all very new to me. I see that things are calmer, I'm able to gather my thoughts and all these things happen for longer periods of time.
I have to tell myself constantly and be very mindful of what I'm working on and that's me. The only person I can change is me, by making changes in me I can aid in the outcome on things that I'm working on . If I'm happy with what I'm doing and focusing on what I need to be then I feel I'm balancing out all parts of my life, even when my life feels unmanageable it is being managed.
Nothings comes right away or all at once. I believe again there is a reason for this. I wouldn't of been able to recover and learn the lessons and things put forth in front of me and put one foot in front of each other to take each step with to many different answers thrown at me either. It's all an awaking inside of me that is transforming and I'm ready to be apart of what we both have to offer.
I still am at the acceptance of that Rob's suicide happened at all and not so much as why. I don't have his answer's for him, only he does, but I feel that I have had some of my "why's" answered. This through so many gracious ways that I feel were put into place as God intended them to because He believed He knew those things would give me what I needed to provide me the courage to accept the things I can not change, Rob's death by suicide being one of them.
Going back into the past can not be dwelled upon. If we stay there then we are living in the past. It's OK to revisit the past for remembrance, to reflect on personal growth and for mindfulness for the present. If something in my life hinders my recovery and growth in self, I can choose to remove it or myself. It's my personal choice and I have to be responsible for my actions and decisions I make in the here and now.
I have serached for many answers on various things in my life, that I feel now come so much more easily then they ever have before. I do sometimes fight the answers I get and try to alter them my way but that has proven to get me no where. Once I started opening up to new ways, ideas, thoughts as I still am working very hard at today as this is all very new to me. I see that things are calmer, I'm able to gather my thoughts and all these things happen for longer periods of time.
I have to tell myself constantly and be very mindful of what I'm working on and that's me. The only person I can change is me, by making changes in me I can aid in the outcome on things that I'm working on . If I'm happy with what I'm doing and focusing on what I need to be then I feel I'm balancing out all parts of my life, even when my life feels unmanageable it is being managed.
Nothings comes right away or all at once. I believe again there is a reason for this. I wouldn't of been able to recover and learn the lessons and things put forth in front of me and put one foot in front of each other to take each step with to many different answers thrown at me either. It's all an awaking inside of me that is transforming and I'm ready to be apart of what we both have to offer.
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
Healing past pain
I've focused a lot on the death of Rob's suicide in the last 5 months, there has been other pains that have occurred and that I have ignored and by not dealing with them as they were happening. They did not solve themselves, they just got pushed aside and as they resurface I feel them over and over.
I understand now that they are just going to continue to present themselves unless I acknowledge them and deal with them in a healthy manner and have acceptance and closure. I don't have to like everything, my way doesn't have to be the right way and I don't have to control every situation or not control it at all. I have to accept the things I can not change, change the things and to know the difference between the two. I struggle with knowing the difference. It's something I have to really pray about and ask for guidance. It's taking a lot of stepping back and reflecting and processing what is happening in each situation.
I have always been one to second guess myself at times when I should of went with my original instinct and at other times jumped in when I should of stepped back, frustrating. I find myself now just at a point of not knowing always which I am suppose to be doing and very cautious, which can hinder my recovery. It's finding my gray area.
The pain from the past is holding on to things, but in order to really move forward I have to revisit those past pains and let my self let go of the resentment that have steamed and built walls around me. It's stating it, what it was, taking responsibility of my apart, acknowledging how it affected me, praying about it and then letting it go.Which is our 4th step and I realize now is that while going through this grief process I have to be accountable to do this daily as well as with the other things that resurface from the past.
Also I stepped back from working on making my amends and I'm now feeling an uneasy feeling and a guilt because of it. I feel as if i really didn't focus on those around me and continue to work that part of my program. It's very difficult when you are so deep in grief and loss to focus on much else.
I would like to think this is a sign that I'm feeling ready to move forward and refocus some of life more on to my recovery that was in progress before his died.Which to me is so important. I don't want to not let to much more time pass either and I am feeling as my one year is approaching that it has.
On another note as I was going through a lot of this loss and grief, myself worth lowered and I don't feel I would of given my amends the respect nor the consideration that they deserved. I feel it's a process to grow from and should be done with the intent for just as it is stated an Amend.
I'll step out and work on healing the past pains and make amends.
I understand now that they are just going to continue to present themselves unless I acknowledge them and deal with them in a healthy manner and have acceptance and closure. I don't have to like everything, my way doesn't have to be the right way and I don't have to control every situation or not control it at all. I have to accept the things I can not change, change the things and to know the difference between the two. I struggle with knowing the difference. It's something I have to really pray about and ask for guidance. It's taking a lot of stepping back and reflecting and processing what is happening in each situation.
I have always been one to second guess myself at times when I should of went with my original instinct and at other times jumped in when I should of stepped back, frustrating. I find myself now just at a point of not knowing always which I am suppose to be doing and very cautious, which can hinder my recovery. It's finding my gray area.
The pain from the past is holding on to things, but in order to really move forward I have to revisit those past pains and let my self let go of the resentment that have steamed and built walls around me. It's stating it, what it was, taking responsibility of my apart, acknowledging how it affected me, praying about it and then letting it go.Which is our 4th step and I realize now is that while going through this grief process I have to be accountable to do this daily as well as with the other things that resurface from the past.
Also I stepped back from working on making my amends and I'm now feeling an uneasy feeling and a guilt because of it. I feel as if i really didn't focus on those around me and continue to work that part of my program. It's very difficult when you are so deep in grief and loss to focus on much else.
I would like to think this is a sign that I'm feeling ready to move forward and refocus some of life more on to my recovery that was in progress before his died.Which to me is so important. I don't want to not let to much more time pass either and I am feeling as my one year is approaching that it has.
On another note as I was going through a lot of this loss and grief, myself worth lowered and I don't feel I would of given my amends the respect nor the consideration that they deserved. I feel it's a process to grow from and should be done with the intent for just as it is stated an Amend.
I'll step out and work on healing the past pains and make amends.
Monday, April 11, 2011
Throwing myself in
I'm trying to process everything that is taking place in my life right now. Feeling overwhelmed and unmanageable. I have started implementing things in my life to be involved in outside of my home and to where it's benefiting me yet I'm giving back, though consistency is something I'm still working on. I realized that a lot of times when things start to progress I will step back from some of the things that I really needed to keep me going. Like my daily readings, prayer, meditation (quietness), writting journals and taking care of myself more mindfully.
It is important to refocus myself back to these tools for my recovery as a whole. There has been several times someone has said the need for these things, but like everything else I'm am a work in progress and I had to learn it for myself. I recognize it now and will continue practicing throwing myself back into what works for me and throwing out what doesn't.
It is important to refocus myself back to these tools for my recovery as a whole. There has been several times someone has said the need for these things, but like everything else I'm am a work in progress and I had to learn it for myself. I recognize it now and will continue practicing throwing myself back into what works for me and throwing out what doesn't.
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
Monday, April 4, 2011
Small Acceptance's
There are things I'm doing now that I thought, avoided or said I didn't want or have tried not to do since Rob died by suicide. Most of it is accepting that he is gone by doing these things. I was holding myself back from going forward or letting myself do things that pertained to certain things in relation to Rob.
I don't know if I will ever be able to go through anything withouth thinking of him while doing it, and I'm okay with that cause I love him, but I have to continue being apart of life. It starts small, like with eating something we both loved thru watching a movie we had on planned as a family to go see together.
Today I saw a picture of his daughter Lalya with Erin's, his daughter's moms, boyfriend. Just Layla & him. It made me truly sad. They were at the circus. I really want Rob to be here with his daughter. I'm very sad that his hurt and thinking was such a narrow thought that all the love he had and we all had for him had been surpassed.
Death by suicide is such a tramatic way for those left behind to have to contiue to re learn to live life again in a different way, it's an acceptance that no one at all want to have to say that they accepted. That's they key to living life I'm learning. Acceptance.
I don't know if I will ever be able to go through anything withouth thinking of him while doing it, and I'm okay with that cause I love him, but I have to continue being apart of life. It starts small, like with eating something we both loved thru watching a movie we had on planned as a family to go see together.
Today I saw a picture of his daughter Lalya with Erin's, his daughter's moms, boyfriend. Just Layla & him. It made me truly sad. They were at the circus. I really want Rob to be here with his daughter. I'm very sad that his hurt and thinking was such a narrow thought that all the love he had and we all had for him had been surpassed.
Death by suicide is such a tramatic way for those left behind to have to contiue to re learn to live life again in a different way, it's an acceptance that no one at all want to have to say that they accepted. That's they key to living life I'm learning. Acceptance.
Everything starts over
When I first moved in to my new place from where Rob and I lived at the Duplex's I had everything set up exactly the same. I was very particular about keeping everything layed out to the best as I could to duplicate how it was prior.. I went on this spree of collecting every thing I possibly could and putting it into his and Layla's dresser that I have in my room. Two of the drawer's have things in them it isn't very much yet it's all memories to me. Many more of it's Layla's then it is Rob's. Stuff she never got to wear because I had bought it for her at the end of the late summer in 2010 when it was to cold so she could wear for this coming year.
I understand that I have everything set up for the fact that I wanted it to stay the same for it to remain as similar to when we were all together. I even made sure my bed was facing the same way in the same direction so I could lay exactly where he would lay if he were laying with me. I needed to hold on to anyway I could, I was grasping.
In understanding a little more of death caused by suicide as I'm reading more and accepting things, for this moment I found myself changing the living room furniture around today. I was very surprised once I realized what I was doing and for a second I was tempted to stop and put everything back but then a sense of this is necessary and doesn't change anything but the view and showing growth.
I'm still dealing with things and in fact tonight I'm pretty sad. Even though I had a great night.!!
Everything has to start over when someone you loves dies by suicide and it has to start somewhere sometime. Not meaning it all happens at once, it comes in it's own time and when ready acceptance will guide you through it.
I understand that I have everything set up for the fact that I wanted it to stay the same for it to remain as similar to when we were all together. I even made sure my bed was facing the same way in the same direction so I could lay exactly where he would lay if he were laying with me. I needed to hold on to anyway I could, I was grasping.
In understanding a little more of death caused by suicide as I'm reading more and accepting things, for this moment I found myself changing the living room furniture around today. I was very surprised once I realized what I was doing and for a second I was tempted to stop and put everything back but then a sense of this is necessary and doesn't change anything but the view and showing growth.
I'm still dealing with things and in fact tonight I'm pretty sad. Even though I had a great night.!!
Everything has to start over when someone you loves dies by suicide and it has to start somewhere sometime. Not meaning it all happens at once, it comes in it's own time and when ready acceptance will guide you through it.
Friday, April 1, 2011
Recovery Works
Today was Recovery Day on the Hill http://www.minnesotarecovery.org/ at the State Capitol and it was simply amazing. I had an opportunity to volunteer and also listen to some wonderful speakers for and about Recovery. In addition to that was the opportunity to meet all the wonderful people that were there who in recovery or supported recovery. Listening to some of them share their stories and their sobriety dates was enlightening. It made me feel so elated to be a part of such a powerful movement that we in recovery are trying to spread across the state. That Recovery does work and addiction not only effects those in the addiction but those who have any kind of relations of any sorts while they are in their addiction.
That's why they say Addiction is cunning, powerful and baffling! I left there feeling so inspired, empowered, encouraged and thankful. I am so grateful that I have Recovery in my life and that I have the opportunity to share the person that I was hiding in my addiction, became in the process so far and still am in recovery and also live life again. Enjoyment has never been something I have truly understood until now. I have felt my emotions instead of denied them.
I have so much more in life then I have ever had even though I have loss I have those in my life and my HP to fill that emptiness and void that before I would of temporarily drank to get drunk or denied to subside the reality that was going on. Now I am a part of life, not just some one passing by watching from the outside.
Even though at times in my grieving I have subcome to some of these things at times usually for a week at least once a month or a day here or there. Yet I never pick up a drink or retort to my addiction to temporarily mend anything anymore, To me that is one of my greatest accomplishments. I can now have those days and at the end of them I am still sober!!
RECOVERY WORKS.......
KEEP COMING BACK.....
That's why they say Addiction is cunning, powerful and baffling! I left there feeling so inspired, empowered, encouraged and thankful. I am so grateful that I have Recovery in my life and that I have the opportunity to share the person that I was hiding in my addiction, became in the process so far and still am in recovery and also live life again. Enjoyment has never been something I have truly understood until now. I have felt my emotions instead of denied them.
I have so much more in life then I have ever had even though I have loss I have those in my life and my HP to fill that emptiness and void that before I would of temporarily drank to get drunk or denied to subside the reality that was going on. Now I am a part of life, not just some one passing by watching from the outside.
Even though at times in my grieving I have subcome to some of these things at times usually for a week at least once a month or a day here or there. Yet I never pick up a drink or retort to my addiction to temporarily mend anything anymore, To me that is one of my greatest accomplishments. I can now have those days and at the end of them I am still sober!!
RECOVERY WORKS.......
KEEP COMING BACK.....
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
Unsaid Said
In all the things I've been focusing on it never occurred to me till now to think about if he could and was here to see me and he knew the pain and since he can't come back cause death is final then would he be sad at his decision then? seeing what anguish this caused everyone? I mean is he alone and now sadder then ever? Oh that's such a sad sad thought. Or is he really free and at peace?
Then I reflect that thought through and it is gone. I recall the day on the 14 th of Feb 2011 when I looked in the sky. I felt him, I felt all of his love on me. I can see the light and the way everything around me was so surreal. Everything that occurred that played out that day is a motion of life's cycle beyond what we just see in our sights.
I don't even like the thought that I even wrote the first paragraph above, it gave me such a uneasy feeling, I felt instant abandonment and fear as the thought were typed across the screen as they were lifted from my mind. I don't want to linger on them to long. It's more for the fact that I want to be able to answer the the thought then to think on that thought! In the first place this is irritating because I had originally been thinking about how if he could what he would do? If he could rewind time would he?
Would he or did he think the thought all the way through?
I don't believe he did what so ever, what I know of Robert was he reacted then thought of the aftermath to the decisions or the consequences to or whomever came after the fact to his reactions of his actions..
In that I think a lot about Robert and being here with me alot. I believe if he could come back he would and all the things would be differenlty, with work and time.
When I first started to write this it was early after noon on March 27th 2011. My 11 month sobriety date, I had been sad through the night and had been unable to sleep. I spent much of the late night listening to music as I often have and use to when Rob and I were separated, or when I wanted to express how I felt or he did, not always towards each other necessary just in general. We could express and felt our emotions through the lyrics that played out by the notes of the music. As I was getting ready for the afternoon with a to go with a friend I had several emotions and thoughts going through me and I had stopped what I was doing and wrote sereval times. One which I started was this.
That early afternoon as I was typing this my friend told me later he had written me somethings he had been thinking and wanted to share with me. I reasoned if it's your opinion or how to fix anything I'm going through I don't want to hear it right now. He reassured me it wasn't. As the afternoon went on it played out to be a very good afternoon. Later that evening before I headed home we were just finishing up the evening talking he grabbed the paper he had written his thoughts earlier that morning before I had arrived for our day outings and this is where it begin:
I listen at first unsure of what I was going to hear, spoken in broken words to me through tears were the thoughts through his words I felt myself saying many times before in my mind that were left unsaid. The tears were hot as they streamed down my face and I wept for even though I'd not had the moment to say the things I had so desperately wanted him to hear. This friend of mine had taken it upon himself to write down and say to me the things he wanted to say that he thought I would but never got the chance too and what he felt or thought Rob would say or like to me, but can't.
They were in his own words and feelings about my life and pertained more towards me and where I am at right now. In a realization that in my grief and loss I have thoughts of taking my own life, the truth is in my belief "I can go to him (Rob) but he can never come back to me. If I have any doubt of my spirituality then this is not true. I shouldn't find comfort in knowing this but I do. That scares me.
So is this an aah ha moment? In my program and my favorite reading Acceptance is the Answer which I re- read morning yesterday. It states Nothing, absolutely nothing happens in God's world by mistake.
How things are played out and why are at different times are again a mystery to the unknown which I'm accepting as part of my HP's plan.
If I could flash forward and see into time I would hit rewind and go back in time.~ Miche'le Lynn
I appreciate my Sobriety & living today and I really wanted to tell that to Rob.
Then I reflect that thought through and it is gone. I recall the day on the 14 th of Feb 2011 when I looked in the sky. I felt him, I felt all of his love on me. I can see the light and the way everything around me was so surreal. Everything that occurred that played out that day is a motion of life's cycle beyond what we just see in our sights.
I don't even like the thought that I even wrote the first paragraph above, it gave me such a uneasy feeling, I felt instant abandonment and fear as the thought were typed across the screen as they were lifted from my mind. I don't want to linger on them to long. It's more for the fact that I want to be able to answer the the thought then to think on that thought! In the first place this is irritating because I had originally been thinking about how if he could what he would do? If he could rewind time would he?
Would he or did he think the thought all the way through?
I don't believe he did what so ever, what I know of Robert was he reacted then thought of the aftermath to the decisions or the consequences to or whomever came after the fact to his reactions of his actions..
In that I think a lot about Robert and being here with me alot. I believe if he could come back he would and all the things would be differenlty, with work and time.
When I first started to write this it was early after noon on March 27th 2011. My 11 month sobriety date, I had been sad through the night and had been unable to sleep. I spent much of the late night listening to music as I often have and use to when Rob and I were separated, or when I wanted to express how I felt or he did, not always towards each other necessary just in general. We could express and felt our emotions through the lyrics that played out by the notes of the music. As I was getting ready for the afternoon with a to go with a friend I had several emotions and thoughts going through me and I had stopped what I was doing and wrote sereval times. One which I started was this.
That early afternoon as I was typing this my friend told me later he had written me somethings he had been thinking and wanted to share with me. I reasoned if it's your opinion or how to fix anything I'm going through I don't want to hear it right now. He reassured me it wasn't. As the afternoon went on it played out to be a very good afternoon. Later that evening before I headed home we were just finishing up the evening talking he grabbed the paper he had written his thoughts earlier that morning before I had arrived for our day outings and this is where it begin:
I listen at first unsure of what I was going to hear, spoken in broken words to me through tears were the thoughts through his words I felt myself saying many times before in my mind that were left unsaid. The tears were hot as they streamed down my face and I wept for even though I'd not had the moment to say the things I had so desperately wanted him to hear. This friend of mine had taken it upon himself to write down and say to me the things he wanted to say that he thought I would but never got the chance too and what he felt or thought Rob would say or like to me, but can't.
They were in his own words and feelings about my life and pertained more towards me and where I am at right now. In a realization that in my grief and loss I have thoughts of taking my own life, the truth is in my belief "I can go to him (Rob) but he can never come back to me. If I have any doubt of my spirituality then this is not true. I shouldn't find comfort in knowing this but I do. That scares me.
So is this an aah ha moment? In my program and my favorite reading Acceptance is the Answer which I re- read morning yesterday. It states Nothing, absolutely nothing happens in God's world by mistake.
How things are played out and why are at different times are again a mystery to the unknown which I'm accepting as part of my HP's plan.
If I could flash forward and see into time I would hit rewind and go back in time.~ Miche'le Lynn
I appreciate my Sobriety & living today and I really wanted to tell that to Rob.
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