Incorporating new ideas into my already crammed thoughts seemed just ludicrous at first and I think it has taken me reading, listening, learning and also experiencing change over and over to clearly see and accept what this meant.
In order to begin change I need to be mindful of all things, my perception and thoughts affect my reality. I am having to redirect my attention several times a day back to being mindful. When I am mindful I manage myself.
Now having Bipolar I and doing this to me is very rewarding and discouraging at the same time. I see the differences between the two in that I had a choice to drink but I didn't chose Bipolar I. I now am at an acceptance that I was given Bipolar and it's my will to manage those choices god gives me. I'm learning to take deeper breaths, pray, ask for guidance and feel that peace.
Sitting still, relaxing and letting this feeling I get come over me is one of the hardest struggles. I'm usually all over the place and when I go force myself because I'm not accomplishing anything or being reasonable in my thoughts, I feel so guilty from stopping, I feel like I should be going and going but nothing ever gets accomplished. I know why, and again I need to be mindful of this and refocus myself.
I may have to remake a make different choices and change my mind, the more I practice mindfulness I believe god will provide, and I will only grown and learn from his guidance. I trust in his plan for me, and yes I defy and let fear guide me, it's getting back on course no matter what, accepting the lesson.
Saturday, April 30, 2011
Thursday, April 28, 2011
A years pass
This day seemed so far away and now it's coming to an end of one year and on to my two years of sobriety.
My first year of sobriety was filled with so many different life lessons, it was a journey on the road for long term recovery, and when the worst came to pick myself up and re learn to live life.
It's making choices and admitting my wrongs, honesty, openness and willingness. I struggled days and knowing that I made the choice not to drink gives me strength even when I feel weakness in every part of my life I have that sobriety to pull me through.
My first year of sobriety was filled with so many different life lessons, it was a journey on the road for long term recovery, and when the worst came to pick myself up and re learn to live life.
It's making choices and admitting my wrongs, honesty, openness and willingness. I struggled days and knowing that I made the choice not to drink gives me strength even when I feel weakness in every part of my life I have that sobriety to pull me through.
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
Shifting Gears
So here I am a year later, reflecting on where I was a year ago today and I'm sober, thankfully. Things aren't were I thought they be, change has occurred, it's all apart of my journey in my recovery and I look forward to where this journey takes me as I am shifting gears and focusing my attention on today's blessings and letting go more and more.
Love the one's in your life that are present, that keep showing up, and that love you unconditionally!
Love the one's in your life that are present, that keep showing up, and that love you unconditionally!
Thursday, April 14, 2011
Tear just come
I couldn't help it they just came out, I guess I have been holding them in, I just sat on the the love seat and wept. I get really lonely, not just lonely for just anybody but family, unconditional love, loss. I gave my first speaker meeting last night and I felt good afterwards, like I gave something back, I shared my story, in a short summary of recovery.
Yet here I am today, sad cause I'm here and I remember thoughts of almost a year. I'm not with or where I thought I'd be a year later based on my sobriety as I belived it would lead me to be, and I am not sure how to feel about that.
I'm happy and grateful for the things I have, but there is that sense of loss that still lingers for all that has happen in my path of Recovery and addiction that hurts me and hurts others and I know looking back it is not changeable but it's still sad how some of the things that happen did.
I keep busy and involve myself in a lot of things now that are positive for me, there are still everyday challenges that I encounter and have to deal with. I push things off still that until I feel I'm able to deal with them and sometimes I just throw myself into them and I'm like oh that wasn't so bad, don't get me wrong there are the times I have been like ugh this is a nightmare but in those situations I always follow through until I have come to resolve once I am in.
Structure is becoming a more influential part of my life and with that I am able to handle things more constructively. I need to work on not taking or starting so many things at once though so I have multiply takes going on at once.
And with writing I'd be trapped in my thoughts going around and round, rapidly racing and trying to figure out a thousand different ways to solve, say, or answer and ask multiply things at the same time. It's nice to have quite time when it does come.
The overwhelming or just letting something go or realization of something and accepting it brings tears and sometimes they just come.
Yet here I am today, sad cause I'm here and I remember thoughts of almost a year. I'm not with or where I thought I'd be a year later based on my sobriety as I belived it would lead me to be, and I am not sure how to feel about that.
I'm happy and grateful for the things I have, but there is that sense of loss that still lingers for all that has happen in my path of Recovery and addiction that hurts me and hurts others and I know looking back it is not changeable but it's still sad how some of the things that happen did.
I keep busy and involve myself in a lot of things now that are positive for me, there are still everyday challenges that I encounter and have to deal with. I push things off still that until I feel I'm able to deal with them and sometimes I just throw myself into them and I'm like oh that wasn't so bad, don't get me wrong there are the times I have been like ugh this is a nightmare but in those situations I always follow through until I have come to resolve once I am in.
Structure is becoming a more influential part of my life and with that I am able to handle things more constructively. I need to work on not taking or starting so many things at once though so I have multiply takes going on at once.
And with writing I'd be trapped in my thoughts going around and round, rapidly racing and trying to figure out a thousand different ways to solve, say, or answer and ask multiply things at the same time. It's nice to have quite time when it does come.
The overwhelming or just letting something go or realization of something and accepting it brings tears and sometimes they just come.
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
Answers will come
When I first tried to understand why and question it I was at a loss one moment and then the next a million different ideas and thoughts were solving themselves in my mind and I just couldn't understand at all. Dumbfounded. I think I stopped asking why now.
I still am at the acceptance of that Rob's suicide happened at all and not so much as why. I don't have his answer's for him, only he does, but I feel that I have had some of my "why's" answered. This through so many gracious ways that I feel were put into place as God intended them to because He believed He knew those things would give me what I needed to provide me the courage to accept the things I can not change, Rob's death by suicide being one of them.
Going back into the past can not be dwelled upon. If we stay there then we are living in the past. It's OK to revisit the past for remembrance, to reflect on personal growth and for mindfulness for the present. If something in my life hinders my recovery and growth in self, I can choose to remove it or myself. It's my personal choice and I have to be responsible for my actions and decisions I make in the here and now.
I have serached for many answers on various things in my life, that I feel now come so much more easily then they ever have before. I do sometimes fight the answers I get and try to alter them my way but that has proven to get me no where. Once I started opening up to new ways, ideas, thoughts as I still am working very hard at today as this is all very new to me. I see that things are calmer, I'm able to gather my thoughts and all these things happen for longer periods of time.
I have to tell myself constantly and be very mindful of what I'm working on and that's me. The only person I can change is me, by making changes in me I can aid in the outcome on things that I'm working on . If I'm happy with what I'm doing and focusing on what I need to be then I feel I'm balancing out all parts of my life, even when my life feels unmanageable it is being managed.
Nothings comes right away or all at once. I believe again there is a reason for this. I wouldn't of been able to recover and learn the lessons and things put forth in front of me and put one foot in front of each other to take each step with to many different answers thrown at me either. It's all an awaking inside of me that is transforming and I'm ready to be apart of what we both have to offer.
I still am at the acceptance of that Rob's suicide happened at all and not so much as why. I don't have his answer's for him, only he does, but I feel that I have had some of my "why's" answered. This through so many gracious ways that I feel were put into place as God intended them to because He believed He knew those things would give me what I needed to provide me the courage to accept the things I can not change, Rob's death by suicide being one of them.
Going back into the past can not be dwelled upon. If we stay there then we are living in the past. It's OK to revisit the past for remembrance, to reflect on personal growth and for mindfulness for the present. If something in my life hinders my recovery and growth in self, I can choose to remove it or myself. It's my personal choice and I have to be responsible for my actions and decisions I make in the here and now.
I have serached for many answers on various things in my life, that I feel now come so much more easily then they ever have before. I do sometimes fight the answers I get and try to alter them my way but that has proven to get me no where. Once I started opening up to new ways, ideas, thoughts as I still am working very hard at today as this is all very new to me. I see that things are calmer, I'm able to gather my thoughts and all these things happen for longer periods of time.
I have to tell myself constantly and be very mindful of what I'm working on and that's me. The only person I can change is me, by making changes in me I can aid in the outcome on things that I'm working on . If I'm happy with what I'm doing and focusing on what I need to be then I feel I'm balancing out all parts of my life, even when my life feels unmanageable it is being managed.
Nothings comes right away or all at once. I believe again there is a reason for this. I wouldn't of been able to recover and learn the lessons and things put forth in front of me and put one foot in front of each other to take each step with to many different answers thrown at me either. It's all an awaking inside of me that is transforming and I'm ready to be apart of what we both have to offer.
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
Healing past pain
I've focused a lot on the death of Rob's suicide in the last 5 months, there has been other pains that have occurred and that I have ignored and by not dealing with them as they were happening. They did not solve themselves, they just got pushed aside and as they resurface I feel them over and over.
I understand now that they are just going to continue to present themselves unless I acknowledge them and deal with them in a healthy manner and have acceptance and closure. I don't have to like everything, my way doesn't have to be the right way and I don't have to control every situation or not control it at all. I have to accept the things I can not change, change the things and to know the difference between the two. I struggle with knowing the difference. It's something I have to really pray about and ask for guidance. It's taking a lot of stepping back and reflecting and processing what is happening in each situation.
I have always been one to second guess myself at times when I should of went with my original instinct and at other times jumped in when I should of stepped back, frustrating. I find myself now just at a point of not knowing always which I am suppose to be doing and very cautious, which can hinder my recovery. It's finding my gray area.
The pain from the past is holding on to things, but in order to really move forward I have to revisit those past pains and let my self let go of the resentment that have steamed and built walls around me. It's stating it, what it was, taking responsibility of my apart, acknowledging how it affected me, praying about it and then letting it go.Which is our 4th step and I realize now is that while going through this grief process I have to be accountable to do this daily as well as with the other things that resurface from the past.
Also I stepped back from working on making my amends and I'm now feeling an uneasy feeling and a guilt because of it. I feel as if i really didn't focus on those around me and continue to work that part of my program. It's very difficult when you are so deep in grief and loss to focus on much else.
I would like to think this is a sign that I'm feeling ready to move forward and refocus some of life more on to my recovery that was in progress before his died.Which to me is so important. I don't want to not let to much more time pass either and I am feeling as my one year is approaching that it has.
On another note as I was going through a lot of this loss and grief, myself worth lowered and I don't feel I would of given my amends the respect nor the consideration that they deserved. I feel it's a process to grow from and should be done with the intent for just as it is stated an Amend.
I'll step out and work on healing the past pains and make amends.
I understand now that they are just going to continue to present themselves unless I acknowledge them and deal with them in a healthy manner and have acceptance and closure. I don't have to like everything, my way doesn't have to be the right way and I don't have to control every situation or not control it at all. I have to accept the things I can not change, change the things and to know the difference between the two. I struggle with knowing the difference. It's something I have to really pray about and ask for guidance. It's taking a lot of stepping back and reflecting and processing what is happening in each situation.
I have always been one to second guess myself at times when I should of went with my original instinct and at other times jumped in when I should of stepped back, frustrating. I find myself now just at a point of not knowing always which I am suppose to be doing and very cautious, which can hinder my recovery. It's finding my gray area.
The pain from the past is holding on to things, but in order to really move forward I have to revisit those past pains and let my self let go of the resentment that have steamed and built walls around me. It's stating it, what it was, taking responsibility of my apart, acknowledging how it affected me, praying about it and then letting it go.Which is our 4th step and I realize now is that while going through this grief process I have to be accountable to do this daily as well as with the other things that resurface from the past.
Also I stepped back from working on making my amends and I'm now feeling an uneasy feeling and a guilt because of it. I feel as if i really didn't focus on those around me and continue to work that part of my program. It's very difficult when you are so deep in grief and loss to focus on much else.
I would like to think this is a sign that I'm feeling ready to move forward and refocus some of life more on to my recovery that was in progress before his died.Which to me is so important. I don't want to not let to much more time pass either and I am feeling as my one year is approaching that it has.
On another note as I was going through a lot of this loss and grief, myself worth lowered and I don't feel I would of given my amends the respect nor the consideration that they deserved. I feel it's a process to grow from and should be done with the intent for just as it is stated an Amend.
I'll step out and work on healing the past pains and make amends.
Monday, April 11, 2011
Throwing myself in
I'm trying to process everything that is taking place in my life right now. Feeling overwhelmed and unmanageable. I have started implementing things in my life to be involved in outside of my home and to where it's benefiting me yet I'm giving back, though consistency is something I'm still working on. I realized that a lot of times when things start to progress I will step back from some of the things that I really needed to keep me going. Like my daily readings, prayer, meditation (quietness), writting journals and taking care of myself more mindfully.
It is important to refocus myself back to these tools for my recovery as a whole. There has been several times someone has said the need for these things, but like everything else I'm am a work in progress and I had to learn it for myself. I recognize it now and will continue practicing throwing myself back into what works for me and throwing out what doesn't.
It is important to refocus myself back to these tools for my recovery as a whole. There has been several times someone has said the need for these things, but like everything else I'm am a work in progress and I had to learn it for myself. I recognize it now and will continue practicing throwing myself back into what works for me and throwing out what doesn't.
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
Monday, April 4, 2011
Small Acceptance's
There are things I'm doing now that I thought, avoided or said I didn't want or have tried not to do since Rob died by suicide. Most of it is accepting that he is gone by doing these things. I was holding myself back from going forward or letting myself do things that pertained to certain things in relation to Rob.
I don't know if I will ever be able to go through anything withouth thinking of him while doing it, and I'm okay with that cause I love him, but I have to continue being apart of life. It starts small, like with eating something we both loved thru watching a movie we had on planned as a family to go see together.
Today I saw a picture of his daughter Lalya with Erin's, his daughter's moms, boyfriend. Just Layla & him. It made me truly sad. They were at the circus. I really want Rob to be here with his daughter. I'm very sad that his hurt and thinking was such a narrow thought that all the love he had and we all had for him had been surpassed.
Death by suicide is such a tramatic way for those left behind to have to contiue to re learn to live life again in a different way, it's an acceptance that no one at all want to have to say that they accepted. That's they key to living life I'm learning. Acceptance.
I don't know if I will ever be able to go through anything withouth thinking of him while doing it, and I'm okay with that cause I love him, but I have to continue being apart of life. It starts small, like with eating something we both loved thru watching a movie we had on planned as a family to go see together.
Today I saw a picture of his daughter Lalya with Erin's, his daughter's moms, boyfriend. Just Layla & him. It made me truly sad. They were at the circus. I really want Rob to be here with his daughter. I'm very sad that his hurt and thinking was such a narrow thought that all the love he had and we all had for him had been surpassed.
Death by suicide is such a tramatic way for those left behind to have to contiue to re learn to live life again in a different way, it's an acceptance that no one at all want to have to say that they accepted. That's they key to living life I'm learning. Acceptance.
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