Small Acceptance's

There are things I'm doing now that I thought, avoided or said I didn't want or have tried not to do since Rob died by suicide. Most of it is accepting that he is gone by doing these things. I was holding myself back from going forward or letting myself do things that pertained to certain things in relation to Rob.

I don't know if I will ever be able to go through anything withouth thinking of him while doing it, and I'm okay with that cause I love him, but I have to continue being apart of life. It starts small, like with eating something we both loved thru watching a movie we had on planned as a family to go see together.

Today I saw a picture of his daughter Lalya with Erin's, his daughter's moms, boyfriend. Just Layla & him. It made me truly sad. They were at the circus. I really want Rob to be here with his daughter. I'm very sad that his hurt and thinking was such a narrow thought that all the love he had and we all had for him had been surpassed.

Death by suicide is such a tramatic way for those left behind to have to contiue to re learn to live life again in a different way, it's an acceptance that no one at all want to have to say that they accepted. That's they key to living life I'm learning. Acceptance.

Everything starts over

When I first moved in to my new place from where Rob and I lived at the Duplex's I had everything set up exactly the same. I was very particular about keeping everything layed out to the best as I could to duplicate how it was prior.. I went on this spree of collecting every thing I possibly could and putting it into his and Layla's dresser that I have in my room. Two of the drawer's have things in them it isn't very much yet it's all memories to me. Many more of it's Layla's then it is Rob's. Stuff she never got to wear because I had bought it for her at the end of the late summer in 2010 when it was to cold so she could wear for this coming year.

I understand that I have everything set up for the fact that I wanted it to stay the same for it to remain as similar to when we were all together. I even made sure my bed was facing the same way in the same direction so I could lay exactly where he would lay if he were laying with me. I needed to hold on to anyway I could, I was grasping.

In understanding a little more of death caused by suicide as I'm reading more and accepting things, for this moment I found myself changing the living room furniture around today. I was very surprised once I realized what I was doing and for a second I was tempted to stop and put everything back but then a sense of this is necessary and doesn't change anything but the view and showing growth.
I'm still dealing with things and in fact tonight I'm pretty sad. Even though I had a great night.!!
Everything has to start over when someone you loves dies by suicide and it has to start somewhere sometime. Not meaning it all happens at once, it comes in it's own time and when ready acceptance will guide you through it.

Recovery Works

Today was Recovery Day on the Hill  http://www.minnesotarecovery.org/  at the State Capitol and it was simply amazing. I had an opportunity to volunteer and also listen to some wonderful speakers for and about Recovery. In addition to that was the opportunity to meet all the wonderful people that were there who in recovery or supported recovery. Listening to some of them share their stories and their sobriety dates was enlightening. It made me feel so elated to be a part of such a powerful movement that we in recovery are trying to spread across the state. That Recovery does work and addiction not only effects those in the addiction but those who have any kind of relations of any sorts while they are in their addiction.

That's why they say Addiction is cunning, powerful and baffling! I left there feeling so inspired, empowered, encouraged and thankful. I am so grateful that I have Recovery in my life and that I have the opportunity to share the person that I was hiding in my addiction, became in the process so far and still am in recovery and also live life again. Enjoyment has never been something I have truly understood until now. I have felt my emotions instead of denied them.

I have so much more in life then I have ever had even though I have loss I have those in my life and my HP to fill that emptiness and void that before I would of temporarily drank to get drunk or denied to subside the reality that was going on. Now I am a part of life, not just some one passing by watching from the outside.

Even though at times in my grieving I have subcome to some of these things at times usually for a week at least once a month or a day here or there. Yet I never pick up a drink or retort to my addiction to temporarily  mend anything anymore, To me that is one of my greatest accomplishments. I can now have those days and at the end of them I am still sober!!

RECOVERY WORKS.......

KEEP COMING BACK.....

Unsaid Said

In all the things I've been focusing on it never occurred to me till now to think about if he could and was here to see me and he knew the pain and since he can't come back cause death is final then would he be sad at his decision then? seeing what anguish this caused everyone? I mean is he alone and now sadder then ever? Oh that's such a sad sad thought. Or is he really free and at peace?

Then I reflect that thought through and it is gone. I recall the day on the 14 th of Feb 2011 when I looked in the sky. I felt him, I felt all of his love on me. I can see the light and the way everything around me was so surreal.  Everything that occurred that played out that day is a motion of life's cycle beyond what we just see in our sights.

I don't even like the thought that I even wrote the first paragraph above, it gave me such a uneasy feeling, I felt instant abandonment and fear as the thought were typed across the screen as they were lifted from my mind. I don't want to linger on them to long. It's more for the fact that I want to be able to answer the the thought then to think on that thought! In the first place this is irritating because I had originally been thinking about how if he could what he would do? If he could rewind time would he?
Would he or did he think the thought all the way through?

I don't believe he did what so ever, what I know of Robert was he reacted then thought of the aftermath to the decisions or the consequences to or whomever came after the fact to his reactions of his actions..

In that I think a lot about Robert and being here with me alot. I believe if he could come back he would and all the things would be differenlty, with work and time.

When I first started to write this it was early after noon on March 27th 2011. My 11 month sobriety date, I had been sad through the night and had been unable to sleep. I spent much of the late night listening to music as I often have and use to when Rob and I were separated, or when I wanted to express how I felt or he did, not always towards each other necessary just in general. We could express and felt our emotions through the lyrics that played  out by the notes of the music. As I was getting ready for the afternoon with a to go with a friend I had several emotions and thoughts going through me and I had stopped what I was doing and wrote sereval times. One which I started was this.

That early afternoon as I was typing this my friend told me later he had written me somethings he had been thinking and wanted to share with me. I reasoned if it's your opinion or how to fix anything I'm going through I don't want to hear it right now. He reassured me it wasn't. As the afternoon went on it played out to be a very good afternoon. Later that evening before I headed home we were just finishing up the evening talking he grabbed the paper he had written his thoughts earlier that morning before I had arrived for our day outings and this is where it begin:

I listen at first unsure of what I was going to hear, spoken in broken words to me through tears were the thoughts through his words I felt myself saying many times before in my mind that were left unsaid. The tears were hot as they streamed down my face and I wept for even though I'd not had the moment to say the things I had so desperately wanted him to hear. This friend of mine had taken it upon himself to write down and say to me the things he wanted to say that he thought I would but never got the chance too and what he felt or thought Rob would say or like to me, but can't.

They were in his own words and feelings about my life and pertained more towards me and where I am at right now. In a realization that in my grief and loss I have thoughts of taking my own life, the truth is in my belief "I can go to him (Rob) but he can never come back to me. If I have any doubt of my spirituality then this is not true. I shouldn't find comfort in knowing this but I do. That scares me.   

So is this an aah ha moment? In my program and my favorite reading Acceptance is the Answer which I re- read morning yesterday. It states  Nothing, absolutely nothing happens in God's world by mistake.

How things are played out and why are at different times are again a mystery to the unknown which I'm accepting as part of my HP's plan.

If I could flash forward and see into time I would hit rewind and go back in time.~ Miche'le Lynn

I appreciate my Sobriety & living today and I really wanted to tell that to Rob.

Sober Seeker

In my quest to get sober I, in my alcoholic mind thought that I, with the help of Rob & or others would get "Sober" on my own or at least to try. I had periods of not drinking and swearing off alcohol and then only drinking on the weekends or just beer no hard stuff. Then I would drink to the point that I would go through withdrawals, DT's. My will to do this on my own had a lot to do with the fear of abandonment. It wasn't because I felt I didn't need help. We had several discussions and agreed that I needed help. I was willing to get help but what was I willing to give or or risk to get that help in the frame my mind was in. If I was gone who or what would be there when I came back. While I was gone what would happen, the changes, it was giving up control. Even though what control I did have was completely unmanageable  & I was on the route to loosing everything.

In the last month I was consistently not feeling well and there was need for the alcohol. "An Addiction"  At the end of March 2010  I decided, with Rob's support, after I tried to wean myself off that I would go into St Joes and Detox it was right before Easter. My short stint to detox in St Joes wasn't long. I started and lasted one day at OPT at St Joes and with in a week and a half I relapsed. Rob had finally had enough. I believe with my med change and the drinking this time it had effected me differently then before. I had blacked out!! I wasn't able to drink very much without having major side effects and my behavior was different. I'm assuming due to the new meds and changes from the meds. Things came to a head and Rob pulled out completely.

When I realized in a moment of clarity which didn't last for long but long enough. I went to my parents and said I need help. With in a couple days things were starting to happen and I decided on where to go for Recovery. I had to detox first, here we go again is what I thought. It's gonna be he same thing as before.
Weaning me off with some drug just to leave me with the cravings afterwards. So I decided I wasn't going to wean off with any medication this time. I was going to get the full effects of the withdrawal and it was BRUTAL! I wouldn't suggest it to anyone. It's a proven medical fact you can die from withdrawal from alcohol. So my method is NOT recommended unless you are under the observation of a trained Chemical Dependency Co & Nurse.

The detox is for ever embedded in my mind. It was awful, scary and I was at my worst. It had an impact on me though and I constantly can remember the way I felt and how agonizing it was to go through. I didn't have to do it that way. I choose to though. After my detox I went home, I drank too.


The reason I drank , I'm an alcoholic! I still had no program. Provided with a valium or without you will still relapse with a much greater chance without the program then with.  I had went home with higher hopes to see Rob before I left to go into Recovery. I also had to pack still and make last minute arrangements with my landlord. Rob had no real reasoning in seeing me, but there where things he wanted to take care of before I left.

 I got a small pint of Raspberry Vodka Smirnoff and I drank that night. I made a CD for Rob. With just one song on it  (I never told you). I listened to various music into the late night just being lost in my emotions and my alcoholic illusions. Until I drifted into sleep, thinking about Rob and how I felt. I was to enter The Retreat in two days. That was to be my last dunk.................. not my last drink.

Accept the Mystery Unknown

In the Summer of 2010 I had made attempts to go out to the Retreat where I had competed the Recovery Program  for AA and Speaker meetings. When I would go I met up with a girlfriend of mine there, had dinner at the Retreat and then we would visit before the meetings. There was one particular time we were visiting in the study or men's library. It was in this study where I had done my 3rd step:  Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood God, and I had the term  "free will" brought before and where the understanding became clear to me. It's where I learned what it ment to really "let go" of my anger and break down the spiritual blocks that were built around me.

It was this time we were talking about the unknown, and if it was ok just not to know about something, I believe more in regards to me wondering if it was just ok if I didn't know exactly what I wanted to do or how I was going to with multiply things in my life. If I just didn't know??  How to accept and if it was ok to accept that? I remember thinking at that time "I was actually going to be able to ok and accept or at least work on accepting the unknown". Yet then so when faced with that same question a couple months later and in regards to Rob's loss that was not how I felt in the aftermath.

Since Rob's loss I have found time and time again my return of questioning the unknown and it has become more like a constant growing fear. I seem to be battling with it on a daily basis with several aspects in my life and questioning my thoughts, feelings and reactions.  Even though I can have all things pointing "yes"  "right" or "go".  (Fear can be powerful if you let it take over. )

Then when I opened my daily reading today I was in awe at how clearly the message was just meant to be placed out for me today.

    There is a place in me that knows it will never know.  At times I will get depressed about that and    feel there's no real point to life. Perhaps meaning is not knowing and understanding but acceptance of the mystery, an embracing the unknown. I accept that I will never fully understand - I embrace the mystery.

It comes back to that one word I see over and over again Accept. Acceptance Is The Answer page 417, is my favorite reading in the big book. I have to accept, and it seems a lot!! Once I accept, then from there things will come into play, the next move is made, or closure can be found., a result will be formed!

 The  soul is restless & furious; it wants to tear itself apart and sure itself of being human~ Ugo Betti 

Grief living life

Recently while I was volunteering at the MN Recovery Connection I met a woman new in her recovery who had recently been divorced. As we talked and shared our stories she had said something that I remembered feeling and thinking at one time myself. To sum it up in my own words, she mentioned that her recent loss from her divorce felt as if she were grieving the death of her relationship of her marriage.

When I got separated in 2004 from my ex husband I remember thinking this must be what it death must feel like of losing a SO. It was such an emotional loss on so many different levels. I couldn't seem to cope with everything that was taking place. I had started drinking during this time as a way to dull the feelings I was experiencing. This was the beginning of my alcoholism. About a a year and a half before I had started experiencing elated states & bouts of depression and as time was passing these highs and lows were coming more frequent. The onset of my divorce seemed to have triggered something to where I was unaware of how to manage life. I self medicated to deal with the changes in my moods, what was going on in my mind so rapidly and in my life. By 2005 I was a wreak and was diagnosed with a brain disorder called Bipolar I, which went untreated until 2008.

When Rob took his life I felt everything in an instant drain from my body in sheer anguish, terror, and disbelief. I lost it completely. I screamed and screamed! I couldn't get a grip on any one thought at all. I was so confused and it wasn't like I could believe that it was real but I had seen the cops outside and knew it was true. He was gone. Everything happened so fast too fast, I was all over the place. I immediately wanted to fix something that couldn't be repaired. I was helpless and hope for anything seemed to vanish. So many questions’ I was left with. Not sure if any of the answers where the correct ones.

I found out very quickly it's nothing like a divorce that happens over time. The relationship ceases from the result of suicide is gone instantly, communication, affection, everything is over and there is nothing you can do about it, it wasn't a choice you had any say in.

It affects everyone differently I found out and every one's grief is different. It is very frustrating to relate and communicate how I was feeling. I was all over the place one minute to the next. I know looking back reality was as far from a possibility at times for me during the wake of the beginning of the aftermath. I was at a lost. It was easy to want to blame someone, yourself or even him and go back and forth. I needed answers and NOW. I dwelled on that, I replayed the night over & over. I hashed out everything in a notebook writing to him page after page. Going on long drives and crying into my cell phone to him or out loud in a desperate hope that he could even to this day hear or see me and how much I hurt, miss him and still want him here.

Through it all at the time it was right before my 7th month sobriety date and I never once picked up a drink. I will now have 11 months in two days.

Even though Roberts loss is heart wrenching and tragic beyond something I ever thought I would ever face in my life I have something I never had before Recovery. Spiritual Recovery, it is not easy but it comes with each new day and ending the night knowing I'm still sober. There have been thoughts of "what was it worth" and if "I drank this would all be gone" or I knew it would be my last drink in darker times. I have to admit that there have been many days that the thought of Robert has kept me Sober. How proud he would be of me. That I would fail him and he would be so disappointed if I drank.

It brings tears to my eyes now as I think of how proud he was of me as the months past & how he always made an effort to remind me of the accomplishments I had made. I like to feel it's something we both wanted for each other, was to see each other grow. I truly wanted that for him so much...  I always wanted him to be happy, he deserved more for himself then what he allowed. Knowing that makes it hard now when my sobriety dates come and he's not here. I feel a deep sorrow, some kind of a guilt for being sober & him not being here to achieve his dreams for I'm working towards mine.

Then I don't have the answers for him taking his life, there is the unknown & the things he has repeatedly said to me. Most of all there is the things I know that we shared and the way we felt that I have to go on and trust he'd want me to to continue on knowing I loved him unconditionally and he me.

I have found through the better days that I have a life worth living and no one is going to live, even though it's hard at times, my life if I'm not living it. Doors keep opening for me to move forward. Over the last few month,s not without a struggle at times, and the purpose is only there to help me grow stronger, finding meaning and purpose. I've given back just as I've also received. I feel as the path I'm on is always going to be apart of "a work in progress", but rewards will come along the way.

From Rob's loss I've had a fight and not a flight response this time, I'm facing things as they come at me with an open mind. He knew if anyone would make a change from any of this it would be me. He really thought that was one of the greatest gifts I had. I have to remind my self of all of these things from time to time.

All losses are difficult and trying during the grieving process. No way is right or wrong and not one is worse then one or the other to who is experiencing the loss at the present moment. I can say now my divorce and the experiences from that made me stronger. It maybe was something that without going through I would have capsized in the wake of all of this but at the time it was taking place it was miserable and this is the last thought I would have ever had..... Is I'm going to be OK!

Empowerment To Inspire Change One Step At A Time~ Miche'le Cortinas

Meaning in Belongings

Really when you look at something what does it really mean to you? Is if yours or someone else's? Is it an article of clothing or the last thing they touched. Is that ever something you even think about? or have put that much thought into?

When I think of the last time I was with Rob it is so importaint that every moment is so clear that I can still see and feel as if it were as vivid as the moment had played out before us. I realized today I was frightened if it starts to slip away from my mind.  The possibility of that maybe happening forced myself to feel the whole thing over and over seeing it till it was as clear as yesterday in my mind. I just felt panic of the thought of never feeling or seeing him that last time as clearly as I can.

Everything I have held on to from the last few times we were together from a shirt on a hanger to receipt from us going to the bank. I had to keep everything he touched or that reminds me of that night or the days before. Then other things from a single sock of his to odds & ends they also "mean" everything to me.

Before that moment you wouldn't realize the meaning or what purpose all those things that you come across may hold to you. It's parts of the "We're making memories" that I have left from the man I love. Someone with whom I shared only a short time frame but shared my whole life and heart with!!

Emotional Confused

I can still hear his voice, the smell of him and I can feel his touch on me, it doesn't take much. Whenever we were apart I could do that too. I could think of him and feel. It was amazing the connection we had & the way we were drawn toward each other. There wasn't always the good either, it's hard to remember those times. When I miss him. I get mad though too. More of that has already came out it seems and still does from time to time and when it does it's felt strong.

Acceptance Un-easily

If  he were here we'd be doing exactly what I'm doing right now in this same spot. Everything looks the same, it's exactly in it's place. Tonight I'm finally able to put on 1 of 3 shirts I have of his to wear as I go to sleep. Which to many may seem like no deal but to me I have longed to wear his shirts but it's not as easy as one might think. There's so much emotion and thoughts that surround just this one thing, such as wearing his shirt. I have to be grateful I have at least the three I have instead of hurt that I don't have more or that clothes I bought him are being carelessly worn by one or a couple of his "friends". Then I take a deep breath and remember what I had with him & the things he shared with me in the deepest conversation I've ever had.  We talked about things we promised to carry forever and ever, the bond was unbreakable and I know him & his love for those few he was very very close too, that I feel something went terribly wrong inside of his mind in the end.
I 'm dreaming of him more often now. My thoughts are never away from him for very long, as I drift in & out with almost every other thought of "we're making memories" flashing through my mind.... Miss him & Layla both so much. Enduring life with out him here takes a lot of strength, each day is different. I never know how it's going to be. I've tried so many different coping skills finding ones that work & keeping the ones that don't on the sidelines for they may come in handy at a another time.
Involving myself outside of me has started to prove its benefits and I've opened up more from time to time to new things. Letting myself feel the emotions that come is deeply important & taking time to reflect on this all as it's happening instead of pushing it away or dwelling for hours upon it seems to prove to be best for me.
When I'm broken I can see a fear steep inside of me, abandonment is the hardest thing for me along with rejection. It creates a pain inside of me that turns into turmoil. It use to weaken me & I suppose I can say it still does from time to time. I'm using the building blocks & stepping stones & I'm trusting that I will succeed in going forward that this is the life I have now being created in front of me. It may not have been the one I choose or wanted exactly as it is but there is nothing I can do at all to bring Rob's life back & once I can fully accept that I will be able to finally say goodbye. I'm having a hard time just doing that and struggling with finding where this all fits in and moving forward with out him.
 I need more guidance, love, and time alone just being with me and finding life's experiences on my own with out attachments
I never forget about his family & daughter, all the things they face without Rob is forever in my heart. I made a commitment that I will forever keep as best as I can. They are apart of Rob and he's apart of my heart. I know with out a doubt that will never change as strong as ever it still remains.